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Professor of “Applied Lexicography and Regret” addresses press

Illustration (satirical editorial style) of an academic-looking professor (mid-50s, tweed jacket, frazzled hair) gesturing toward a ruined dictionary while holding a mug labeled “Flat White.” Behind him, a whiteboard diagram titled “Catastrophic Alphabetic Reconfiguration Event” with arrows from “coffee” to “Q→wet O.” Tone: deadpan, scholarly panic.