Nov 5, 2023, 1:19 AM
Ladies and Gentlemen, have you ever found yourself indulging in a pretentious discourse about bottled water brands, while purchasing a seven-dollar latte, dressed in your gluten-free, eco-friendly, 100% organic bamboo shirt? If so, you may need to sit down...because we're about to expose some utterly absurd aspects of everyday things you've been taking seriously!
Non-alcoholic Beer: There are only two good things about beer – the alcoholic content and the fact it’s socially acceptable to drink it out of a fancy stein. Take away the alcohol and you're left with a foul-tasting, zero-fun beverage. If you need something to sip on without getting tipsy, have you heard of something known as water?
Reality TV: These jumbo prawns of entertainment, where it’s more scripted than 'real', manage to convince viewers that stalking someone else's personal life is a commendable way to pass the evening.
No-gluten, No-dairy, No-fun Diet: Yes, we know health is wealth and so forth, but the moment your diet involves calculating the amount of laughter you can have based on its calorie content, you might want to rethink your life choices.
Expensive Wedding Proposals: Apparently love now has a price tag, and it comes with a drone, a fireworks display, a flash mob, and a synchronized dolphin show. Whatever happened to a simple proposal and saving money for a robust retirement plan?
Starbuck's Menu: The birthplace of wifi freeloaders and the ‘venti skinny vanilla latte’, the Starbucks menu is a linguistic masterpiece of pretentiousness. A small is a ‘Tall’. A medium is a ‘Grande’. It’s right up there with reality TV in the 'make-believe realities' hall of fame.
Fitness Trends: Goat yoga, hot-barre, chair-a-cise, anti-gravity spinning – it seems we're trying to re-invent ways to sweat! Alright, here's a freebie for you: run in place, do it regularly, and you’ll get in shape. It’s called exercise… It’s been around since cave-folk were running from big cats. You're welcome.
Social Media Influencers: Imagine being so devoid of hobbies that you’re spending hours watching a stranger unpacking groceries, putting on makeup, or explaining their Starbucks order, while hashtagging everything under the sun!
Paying for Extra Guac: As if emotionally grappling with the idea of spending $14 on a burrito wasn't enough, being put on the spot to decide if you want to pay extra for guac is like a mini existential crisis every lunchtime.
Smart Home Devices: A handy-dandy gizmo that can turn off lights, make coffee, order pizza; sounds like a dream, right? Except we're all just one 'accidental order' away from a lifetime supply of toilet paper showing up at our doorstep!
So, let's take a step back, put down that kale-infused turmeric latte, and have ourselves a good laugh. After all, if we can't enjoy life's absurdity, we're at the mercy of taking it seriously – and that’s just unthinkable.
This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.