Топ-10 найбільш постійних «тимчасових» речей (і один бонус, який живе довше за нас усіх)

2026-02-27

**ВІД НАШОГО КОРЕСПОНДЕНТА З ВІДДІЛУ ВІЧНИХ РІШЕНЬ НА ДВА ДНІ** — Вчені, сантехніки, DevOps-и та люди, які “завтра точно почнуть нове життя”, нарешті дійшли спільного висновку: **тимчасове — це не про час. Це про характер.**

Поліморфізм в ООП: як змусити код “працювати з усім” і не зійти з розуму (майже)

2026-02-27

У світі об’єктно-орієнтованого програмування є три типи людей: ті, хто люблять наслідування; ті, хто вже обпікся і тепер люблять композицію; і ті, хто просто хотіли надрукувати “Hello, world”, але випадково відкрили документацію про поліморфізм і зникли в тумані абстракцій.

Сінгапурська вежа «увімкнула» мозкове радіо: невідомі біохакери транслювали мелодійний рок напряму в голови містян, і це чомусь виявилось приємно

2026-02-27

**СІНГАПУР** — Місцева поліція та міжнародні телеком-регулятори терміново вивчають, як саме невідомим (біо)хакерам вдалося здійснити найзухваліший злам року: перетворити міську радіовежу на гігантський «нейро-саундбар», що транслював музику **напряму в мозок**, оминаючи вуха, повітря, і — як припускають слідчі — навіть базовий людський скептицизм.
Bugatti Unveils Revolutionary Farm Tractor: The Ultimate Speedster of the Fields

2026-02-27

MOLSHEIM, FRANCE — In a move that has left agriculturalists blinking into the middle distance and several cows filing noise complaints, Bugatti has unveiled what it is calling “the future of farming”: a hyper-luxury farm tractor engineered with the same philosophical seriousness normally reserved for taking corners at 240 mph while wearing sunglasses indoors.
The Nickel of Defiance: Nation Gripped by Five-Cent Coin That Refuses to Be Spent, Explained, or Returned

2026-02-27

**WASHINGTON, D.C.** — Economists, constitutional scholars, and at least one man who “used to be in a band” have been forced into the same emergency briefing room this week after the sudden rise of what experts are calling *an unprecedented micro-denomination movement*: a single U.S. nickel that has become a roaming, unspendable symbol of defiance, resistance, and—according to one press release—“a vibe.”
Suburban Town Replaced Overnight By Unionizing Garden Gnomes Demanding Hat Reforms

2026-02-27

**HARTLEBURY-ON-RINGROAD, UK** — Residents of the commuter-belt idyll of Hartlebury-on-Ringroad awoke Tuesday to discover their town had been *comprehensively replaced* by garden gnomes—organized, unionized, and furious—after what experts are calling “the most coordinated act of ornamental labour action since the Great Birdbath Sit-Down of ’97.”
Nation’s Internet Officially Reclassified as “Generated Garbage,” Government Urges Citizens to Stop Feeding It After Midnight

2026-02-27

**SILICON ROUNDABOUT, TUESDAY** — In a move experts are calling “inevitable,” “merciful,” and “roughly 12 years late,” the internet has been formally reclassified from *Information Superhighway* to *Generated Internet Garbage* following an emergency session of the International Council for Online Vibes (ICOV), convened after a single Facebook comment thread reportedly achieved sentience and began demanding sponsorship deals.
Boston Ranked “Least Terrible City” in the Nation, Experts Confirm It’s Mostly Just Cold and Loud

2026-02-27

**BOSTON, MA** — In a landmark victory for municipal mediocrity, Boston has been officially crowned the **“Least Terrible City in the United States,”** according to a new nationwide report that evaluated American urban centers on a complex range of metrics including **“How much does this place make you sigh?”**, **“Likelihood of being shouted at by a stranger who is technically correct,”** and **“Average number of months per year your face hurts from wind.”**
Carnivorous Plant Owners Urged to Stop “Shopping for People,” Consider Novel Alternative: Bugs

2026-02-27

**LITTLE DRIPTON, UK** — A national consortium of botanists, ethicists, and exasperated garden-centre employees has issued an emergency advisory this week after a surge in enquiries from the public asking for “the correct types/characteristics of people” to serve as food to carnivorous plants.
HR Launches “Talent Acquisition (For Venus Flytraps)” Initiative As Millennials Admit They Don’t Know What To Feed Their Carnivorous Plant Besides Emotional Baggage

2026-02-27

**LONDON** — In a development botanists are calling “predictable” and housemates are calling “not in the kitchen, please,” a growing number of carnivorous plant owners have begun asking the same earnest question: *how to choose the best people to feed your carnivorous plant.*
World’s Most Epic Badass News Article Declared “Too Powerful For Paper,” Immediately Promoted To National Security Threat

2026-02-26

**By The Wibble News Desk (Wearing Sunglasses Indoors, Obviously)**
Local Resident Insists They “Didn’t Eat Soap,” Immediately After Announcing They “Did”

2026-02-26

In what experts are already calling “a landmark event in the field of saying things and then unsaying them,” a local individual reportedly sparked confusion, concern, and mild interest on Tuesday after issuing a public statement that appeared to both confirm and deny the consumption of soap in the same breath.
Time Cube Guy Elected President, Opposition Warns Nation Being “Sanewashed” Into Four Simultaneous Realities

2026-02-26

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an election result described by officials as “technically countable, emotionally unchartable,” the nation has elected the so-called *Time Cube Guy* as President, ushering in an administration that insists the country must now be governed according to “four simultaneous days occurring at once,” and that any citizen who fails to understand this is “a single-day thinker unfit for freedom.”
England Declares National Mourning After India’s World Cup Victory, Flags Lowered to Half-Mast and Remote Controls Draped in Black

2026-02-20

LONDON—In a solemn address delivered from the steps of No. 10, the Prime Minister confirmed that England will enter an official period of National Mourning following India’s World Cup victory, describing the event as “a historic day for the sport and an inexplicable personal attack on the English psyche.”
The Show Must Go On: Tony Clifton’s $300 Million Las Vegas Deal Takes a Dramatic Turn (And Several Unnecessary Costume Changes)

2026-02-20

LAS VEGAS—In a city built on improbable comebacks, ill-advised pyrotechnics, and the idea that a man can responsibly eat shrimp at 4 a.m., the most unlikely resurrection since “the concept of subtlety” has reportedly occurred: Tony Clifton’s long-rumored $300 million Las Vegas deal has taken a dramatic turn, spun twice, slapped a cocktail waitress’s tray (metaphorically), and demanded the room “show some respect.”
Netflix Announces *Coal Black and the Seven Vertically Challenged Individuals* in “Bold Reimagining” Nobody Asked For, Everyone Will Still Watch

2026-02-20

LOS GATOS, CALIFORNIA — In a move analysts are calling “inevitable,” “algorithmically ordained,” and “a crime against bedtime stories,” Netflix has announced a glossy, prestige “bold reimagining” of the classic fairy tale under the working title *Coal Black and the Seven Vertically Challenged Individuals*.
Time Cube Theory “Overpowers Mathematics,” Unravels Collatz Enigma By Simply Declaring It Rude

2026-02-20

**CAMBRIDGE, SOMEWHERE NEAR THE INTERNET** — In what experts are calling “either the biggest breakthrough in number theory or the loudest misunderstanding of a calendar since Julius Caesar,” the long-dormant **Time Cube Theory** has reportedly returned to academia with a vengeance, **overpowering mathematics** and, in the process, **unraveling the Collatz Conjecture** by insisting the problem was “never about numbers” and was instead “about the oppressive linearity of Tuesday.”
Revolutionary XGH Methodology Promises to Make Software Development More Anarchic, Less Predictable, and Far More Spiritual

2026-02-20

In a move that experts are calling “a bold rejection of calendars” and “an act of violence against Gantt charts,” a new software development framework known as **XGH** has stormed the industry with one clear promise: to make your organization’s engineering process **more anarchic**—and, depending on your definition of success, either gloriously liberated or simply uninsurable.
Kim Jong-un Announces Bid for South Korean Presidency, Promises “Bold New Era of Unification Through Mandatory Smiling”

2026-02-20

**SEOUL** — In a surprise move that constitutional scholars have described as “technically impossible” and political commentators have described as “somehow still polling better than three cabinet ministers,” North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has reportedly declared his intention to run for President of South Korea in the next election, unveiling a campaign slogan translated loosely as **“One Peninsula, One Wardrobe, One Haircut.”**
Local Man Announces Plans to Build “Personal Heaven” Featuring Blackjack, Hookers, and Lucifer as Concierge: “Finally, a Faith-Based Experience With Better Parking”

2026-02-20

**PANDÆMONIUM HEIGHTS—** In what theologians are calling “the boldest zoning application since the Tower of Babel tried to go mixed-use,” a local man has announced his intention to build his *own* heaven—complete with blackjack, hookers, and a guest appearance from Lucifer—after reportedly concluding that the traditional afterlife “lacks amenities, clear signage, and a compelling rewards program.”
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