Fasten your seatbelts, folks, as we rummage through the unzippable treasures of the 2023 Suitcase Spectacle, also known as the Oscar's glamorous and slightly less hygienic cousin, the Unclaimed Luggage Awards. In this momentous event defined by mystery, improbability, and TSA-approved locks, society's lost belongings are finally given their moment in the spotlight.
Our first category for this star-studded occasion is - 'Oldie But Goodie'. To win this most prestigious laurel, an unclaimed suitcase must be a relic, much like Keith Richards, but with a majority of original components still intact.
Above is our winner, a suitcase so ancient its original owner probably shared a bumpy horse carriage ride with Columbus. This moss-infused treasure chest, generously plastered with travel stickers from all around the nonexistent globe, tells a tale so profound that it could very well be the plot of the next Indiana Jones sequel.
Our next authority-defying category is the 'Outlandish Outfits', designed to recognize the absolute zest of fashion eccentricity. For this, we're looking for a suitcase filled with outfits that are so ludicrous, they would make Lady Gaga seem as exciting as watching paint dry in real-time.
Here we have the winning suitcase defying the laws of luggage physics, literally overflowing with an avalanche of boas, sequins, and latex clothing. Neon pumps and studded leather jackets coalesce in a hodgepodge of questionable fashion choices that would send any self-respecting Parisian runway into hysterics. Truly, there's never a dull day at the Unclaimed Luggage Awards!
Brace yourself for our last category - 'Most Bizarre Item'. This is the top tier of the suitcase spectacle where reason and logic take a backseat, and the word 'why?' ascends to biblical proportions.
Yep, you're seeing that right – a rubber duck large enough to stage a mini Godzilla remake in your bathtub won the title this year. Who would lug this though airports, security and x-ray machines remains a mystery. Although, we must say, the TSA report detailing the discovery must be worth a read!
While these are our illustrious winners, the 2023 Suitcase Spectacle had no shortage of curious contenders. From the oddly common penchant for packing stuffed armadillos to an unapologetic accumulation of sequin-encrusted socks, the Unclaimed Luggage Awards proved once again that nowhere else does the bizarre so casually rub shoulders with the banal.
So, as we take a moment to mull over that gargantuan duck still occupying the stage, remember: the next time you venture into the wild realm of air travel, make sure your suitcase does not end up being a punchline at the next year's Suitcase Spectacle!