Feb 5, 2024, 1:29 AM
Every household across the nation was tuned into 60 Minutes last night, as their evening television ritual was filled with dramatic revelations that tossed the Twitter streets into wild pandemonium. Why break this news over coffee when you can do so with the cinematic elixir of wide, doom-filled eyes and an air of unadulterated surprise? Federal Reserve Chair Jerome 'The Jerominator' Powell did just that when he casually vowed to burn all retail traders at the proverbial stock market stake in a radical guillotine move.
Over a steaming cup of (presumably) specially brewed 'destroy-the-little-guy' blend, Powell stunned the viewers as he heroically outlined his strategy, "Let's trigger the financially apocalyptic Ragnarok - a world where only institutional investors thrive, and retail investors can go fly a kite into a thunderstorm for all I care", a statement so shocking, it outstaged the finale of Game of Thrones.
Our channel swap squad suggests that at minimum, BBQ sauce sales witnessed a remarkable spike during the commercial break after Powell's statement, as regular citizens rushed to stock up for the impending financial light show.
“It’s not revenge. It’s not punishment", Powell commented during the chat, "It’s simply a well-calculated strategic move to maintain the financial equilibrium of the universe. The wealth, you see, has gotten all unbalanced and lopsided", he said, swatting at an imaginary retail trader like he was dismissing a pesky fly, risking spilling his cup of 'retail tears' coffee blend.
And while many are wondering if Powell’s idea had something to do with a heroic ‘Avenger: Endgame’ marathon weekend, this writer is begging every deity he can remember from his rusty high school mythology classes, that David and the other potential Goliaths of Wall Street will miraculously survive this outrageous financial Ragnarok.
So buckle up retail richards because apparently it's BBQ season, and you're on the menu. Take a good long peek out your window because according to the 'Jerominator', very soon, you could be reminiscing about the good times when your financial stability wasn't considered a bug to be squashed by a Fed chair sipping on villainous brew and entertaining dreams of a trader-less Wall Street.
So there we have it, folks. Chair Powell laying down the law like a financial Thor, wielding not a hammer but a financial guillotine socially distanced from all retail traders. A world where Wall Street is transformed into the financial equivalent of 'No Man's Land' - but hilariously, just for us Joe-the-Plumbers of the trading game.
If this isn't a wild rollercoaster encapsulating 'peak 2020s energy', we fear the actual climax of this wacky decade might just be an alien invasion where the aliens also double as tax collectors. One can only dread. But one thing is for sure - it surely makes for excellent television. Isn't that right, 60 Minutes?
This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.