Nation Gripped as Cryptic UUID “79d02ea0-3bc7-4b9c-b27a-9cb22154be12” Elected to Chair Local Committee
A single, baffling string of letters and numbers has plunged the country into fresh confusion after appearing—without warning, explanation, or vowels—on a community noticeboard, three WhatsApp groups, and the side of a reluctant Labrador.
The code in question, 79d02ea0-3bc7-4b9c-b27a-9cb22154be12, is believed by experts to be a “UUID,” or Universally Unsettling Identifier, and has already been blamed for everything from missing socks to the rise in artisan mayonnaise.
Despite having no known physical form, no manifesto, and no ability to pronounce “Bognor Regis,” the UUID has reportedly been appointed Chair of the parish council’s Subcommittee for Light Bulb Tone Consistency, a role previously held by a retired chemistry teacher who “at least had a face.”
“It’s Just Turned Up Everywhere,” Says Bewildered Resident
Local resident Janice Tupper (57) said she first encountered the code when it appeared at the bottom of a shopping list she insists she did not write.
“I’d put milk, bread, crisps,” Janice explained, “and underneath it, like some kind of threat, was 79d02ea0-3bc7-4b9c-b27a-9cb22154be12. I thought it might be a new low-fat yoghurt, or perhaps a Swedish sofa.”
Janice attempted to Google the string but reported that the internet “just sighed,” before suggesting she take up pottery and “stop asking questions.”
Since then, the UUID has been spotted in a surprising range of places, including:
On the underside of a bus seat (next to the phrase “Call Dave”)
In a child’s birthday card from an aunt who “normally only writes ‘love you lots’”
As a substitute for a password in several households, because “it looks official”
Embroidered onto a cushion in a National Trust gift shop, labelled “Rustic Comfort”
Government Insists the UUID Is “Not a Person,” Immediately Grants It a Parking Permit
A spokesperson for the Department for Things That Aren’t Happening But Might Be Later confirmed that the government is “monitoring the situation carefully,” which in civil service terms means “printing it out and putting it in a folder marked ‘DO NOT OPEN.’”
“We can confirm that 79d02ea0-3bc7-4b9c-b27a-9cb22154be12 is not, strictly speaking, a person,” the spokesperson said, before adding: “However, it has applied for a parking permit, and we have already approved it due to its confident use of hyphens.”
Opposition parties were quick to respond, with one MP demanding to know why the UUID has been fast-tracked for public services when her constituency still can’t get a GP appointment without a ceremonial sacrifice.
The Home Office has also refused to rule out granting the code citizenship, stating only: “It has the necessary documentation, and frankly, it’s more coherent than some applications we’ve seen.”
Tech Experts Confirm It’s a UUID, Then Panic Anyway
Technology analysts say the string resembles a standard UUID—typically used to identify things uniquely in computer systems—though they admit this is scant comfort.
“It’s probably just a randomly generated identifier,” said Dr Malcolm Varnish, Senior Lecturer in Applied Dread at the University of Milton Keynes. “But the problem is, it’s doing what identifiers don’t usually do, which is turning up in casual conversation.”
Indeed, office workers across Britain report colleagues using the UUID in everyday speech.
“I asked Sharon if she’d finished the report,” said one anonymous accounts assistant. “She just looked at me and whispered, ‘79d02ea0-3bc7-4b9c-b27a-9cb22154be12,’ then walked into the stationery cupboard and didn’t come out for 40 minutes.”
Experts are divided on whether this is a sign of an emerging digital consciousness, or simply the inevitable consequence of everyone being tired.
Conspiracy Theorists Delight as They Connect It to Everything Since 1066
As expected, the appearance of the UUID has energised Britain’s conspiracy community, who have immediately linked it to:
The moon landing (both the real one and the one in Slough)
5G masts, which they insist are “basically hyphens in the sky”
The Great Fire of London
A Mysterious Second Great Fire of London “the media won’t talk about”
The fact that Greggs no longer does that bun someone liked in 2009
One prominent YouTuber has claimed the UUID is “clearly an encoded message” and has produced a 47-minute video in which he rearranges the characters into the phrase “BUY GOLD” using a system he calls Numerological Honesty.
Another has insisted it is the true name of a minor royal, “removed from history for being too hexadecimal.”
The UUID Releases a Statement, Sort Of
In an unexpected twist, a statement attributed to the UUID was posted online yesterday. It read, in full:
79d02ea0-3bc7-4b9c-b27a-9cb22154be12
This has been widely interpreted as either a refusal to engage with the media, a minimalist political stance, or an aggressive request to be left alone.
The BBC attempted to interview the UUID but was unable to secure a response beyond “79d02ea0,” which the broadcaster described as “vague, but not entirely without gravitas.”
Local Businesses Rush to Capitalise, Immediately Regret It
Several brands have attempted to incorporate the UUID into products, believing it to be “what the youth are into now.”
A trendy café in Hackney briefly offered a drink called The 79d02ea0, described as “a deconstructed flat white served in a repurposed jam jar with notes of existential dread.” It was withdrawn after three customers reported seeing their own birth certificates in the foam.
Meanwhile, a high-street fashion chain launched a line of T-shirts reading b27a-9cb22154be12 “to keep it subtle.” Sales were brisk until shoppers realised it looked less like modern design and more like someone’s Wi-Fi password printed at chest height.
A small bakery in Surrey attempted a novelty cake featuring the full UUID in icing, but admitted the hyphens “made it feel judgmental.”
Schools Introduce UUID Awareness Lessons
With parents demanding action, several primary schools have introduced “UUID Awareness” lessons, teaching children what to do if they encounter unexplained alphanumeric strings in the wild.
Guidance includes:
Do not feed the UUID.
Back away slowly if the UUID appears on your homework.
Tell a trusted adult if the UUID starts asking for your email address.
Never, under any circumstances, try to “just remember it” as a password.
Teachers say pupils are responding well, although one Year 4 class has begun chanting the UUID during assembly “as a bonding activity.”
What Happens Next?
Authorities insist there is no need for alarm, while simultaneously advising citizens to “remain vigilant” and “avoid unnecessary scrolling,” which is frankly unreasonable.
Dr Varnish believes the UUID will eventually fade away.
“Most likely it will be replaced by a new, even more inexplicable string,” he said. “Something like f3a9c1d0-please-stop-7b9e-what-are-you-doing.”
But others aren’t so sure. A leaked memo from a major tech company suggests the UUID may already be scheduled for a software update, with one line ominously reading: ‘Deploy 79d02ea0… to all endpoints.’
When asked what that means, a spokesperson replied: “It means nothing. It’s fine. Please stop calling.”
At time of publication, the UUID was last seen in a garden centre, hovering near the ceramic gnomes, quietly identifying them as unique.