A Whinny-ing Interpretation: Were the Four Horsemen Really the Four Hoarse Men?

Dec 4, 2023, 2:41 PM

Brace yourselves, folks. Epiphany just hit as explosive as a bag of sherbet Lemon Drops in a soda factory. Biblical scholars emerged from dusty corners of colossal libraries, after decades spent sifting through Hebrew, Greek, Aramaic, and - for a particularly eccentric one - Klingon. And their findings? Blockbuster! Grab your popcorn and prepare for an interpretation of the Book of Revelations that would make any Hollywood scriptwriter start gnawing his Oscar in disbelief.

It turns out, it's not the Four Horsemen of the 'Apocalypse,' but the Four Hoarse Men of the 'A-coke-alypse.' Yup, you read that right, an apocalypse induced by excessive cola consumption.

Evidently, the Four Hoarse Men were first recorded in an obscure corner of an ancient manuscript, long ignored because it had a rather large pizza stain; scholars previously mistook it for an abstract piece of Aramaic art, possibly signifying the divine love for anchovies.

John of Patmos allegedly had a penchant for overstating things a tad. He fancied enjoying his pizza with a tall glass of Biblical Cola(TM), a concoction composed of holy water, myrrh, and just a dash of first-century pop rocks. The resultant hoarseness from this holy beverage led to the myth of the Four Hoarse Men, which, due to a series of unintended mistranslations and an innocent game of Chinese whispers, became the Four Horsemen.

But what does this Four-Hoarse-Men-tale entail? Let's trot through the lineup. The first, in a robe as white as a dove, nursing a sore throat from singing too loudly at karaoke night. The next, emanating an aura as fiery as Johnny Cash's 'ring of fire' due to a chili-eating contest gone wrong. Behind him, cloaked in black, a man rendered speechless from yelling at his sandals that refused to cooperate - the original Mr. Flip Flops. And lastly, the man dressed in ashen hues, croaking from reciting every Aramaic proverb ever written...backwards.

What's the apocalypse in this scenario? Perhaps the moment when all four attempts to sing ABBA's 'Dancing Queen' in a harmonious unity, thereby marking the end of harmonious anything forever.

The revelation? This has the potential to make our history textbooks far more interesting and improve the screenplay quality of Biblical adaptations significantly. That's right, Steven Spielberg and Mel Gibson; we want the Four Hoarse Men on the silver screen!

Crackpot theory or novel interpretation? We'll leave that for you to decide. In the meantime, anybody for a slice of pizza and a glass of Biblical Cola?

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.