Airborne Ecstasy: F-15 Pilots Win The ASRAAM Lottery

Dec 20, 2023, 1:03 PM

Last week, inside the dreariness of an undisclosed and unbearably dull military briefing, a spark of elation ignited. The culprit? An unexpectedly thrilling announcement that ricocheted like a rogue frisbee, thumping into the humorless faces of the unsuspecting pilots of the F-15 fighter jets. The exhilarating news? They were getting the ASRAAM – Advanced Short Range Air-to-Air Missile.

What is a boring military briefing, you might wonder? Its equal parts mind-numbing PowerPoint presentations, riveting reading of laundry lists of orders, mundane discussions about protocol, and the auditory torture of too-many-acronyms-said-too-quickly. While the monotony typically leaves one entranced by the fascinating physics of falling eyelids, this particular briefing was on track to pull an Evel Knievel - a complete 180.

As the earth shattering news landed into their eardrums, the drone of the briefing was thrown out at Mach 2. The pilots jumped up, their chairs screeching in protest on the polished floors. Winches evolved into half-moon smiles, eye-rolls found themselves morphed into wide-eyed wonder and yawns mutated into roars of unbridled joy.

Then came, what analysts are now calling ‘Airborne Ecstasy’. Deviating from the customary raise of hands to ask questions, the pilots broke protocol with a roaring rebel yell, climbed into their bare metal birds and took to the skies. The echo of their ecstatic exclamations reverberated across military bases around the world, shaking the calm before the storm that was about to ensue - an aerial dance of joy and jubilation.

As the exhilarated pilots swarmed the sky with their dangerous dance, the officials in the briefing room could only watch in astonished silence. As they looked on, questions flashed through their minds. Had they touched down too hard on the joy-stick? Had they inadvertently buzzed their hive with this missile announcement? And perhaps most importantly, would these pilots ever take a PowerPoint presentation seriously again?

As the sky danced with the sheer joy of men and the brutal strength of machines, one could not help but wonder - Is the ASRAAM really worth it? With its ‘fire and forget’ feature and improved odds of a first-shot kill, it may be a missile aficionado's dream come true. But is it really worth the unplanned aerial acrobatics and the sniggers from the bewildered ground staff?

While the jury deliberates, the worldwide military community waits with bated breath, monitoring the situation closely. One thing is now apparent, though - military briefings across the world will NEVER be the same again. They may even bring popcorn next time around. As for the F-15 pilots, they continue doing what they do best - soaring, diving, turning and laughing their ASRAAMs off. After all, who wouldn't be thrilled to win the proverbial missile jackpot?

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.