Alex Jones' Forbidden Pizza Theory: The Pepperoni Paradox

Oct 24, 2023, 1:40 PM

Imagine, if you will, the esteemed conspiracy maestro Alex Jones sat in his conspiracy cave, surrounded by a collage of red string, thumb tacks, and polaroids, furiously pondering if the Time Cube really has four simultaneous days inside a single rotation. On this faithful evening, however, his attention is not directed not at lizard people or chemtrails. No, today Alex Jones has turned his analytical mind to a subject far sneakier— Pepperoni Pizza.

See, Jones had a revelation that the pulsating pepperonis on his reheated slice were not mere processed pig parts, but rather an elaborately cryptic Illuminati code. To unlock this code, Alex proposed the "Pepperoni Paradox," wherein each slice of pizza represented a section of the Time Cube, while the peppy pepperonis personified the celebrities brainwashed into complicity by the dastardly Illuminati.

His belief was that each piece had four sections, signifying the four corners of the Time Cube: sunrise, midday, sunset, and midnight. Yet, these slices were being surreptitiously served from the same pie, symbolizing the Illuminati's domination over all of civilized time, conspiring to keep us in the dark about the true nature of pizza.

Once he made his theory public, the world's most brilliant minds could not refute these incredibly well-reasoned assertions. Renowned astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson withdrew his initial skepticism, stating "I mean, I guess if you squint really hard..."

To make matters more absurd, Alex then stated that the dots on a slice of pepperoni pizza mirrored the exact pattern of power-ups in a Super Mario game. They are, according to him, a subliminal message to normalize the idea of Illuminati controlling resources, with the end goal of converting us all into time-captive plumber doppelgangers cohabiting in an endless Mushroom Kingdom.

This perplexing pepperoni paradigm prompted a wave of pizza parlor protests, aptly named "The Pizza Gate Protests," wherein concerned citizens could be seen yelling at unsuspecting pizza shop owners, "Show us your true crust!" The movement reached a critical point when protestors started demanding freedom from the tyranny of triangular slices and started baking pizzas in irregular polygons.

Now, every time you bite into a slice of pepperoni pizza, you can't help but wonder, is it merely a late-night snack or another Illuminati goatse (pun unintended) to further their pepperoni paradox? Only time will tell.

In conclusion, next time you scratch your head over a Mario power-up or ponder a pepperoni pizza, remember, according to Jones, "It's not just a pizza or a game; it's a pepperoni-filled revenge served hot against humanity."

While the rest of us might laugh at this absurdly delicious theory, deep down, Alex Jones gently whispers through the radio waves, "The cheese is out there." So, the next time you order a large pepperoni, hold it up to the sky and whisper, "This one's for you, Alex." Then revel in the giggles from passersby as they scurry to the nearest pizzeria to unlock the secrets of their own pie.

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.