Apple Inc. Takes a Bite out of the Fruit Market

Jul 7, 2023, 11:58 AM

In a move that sent shockwaves through the global agricultural community, patent holder of the iPod, Mac and iPad, Apple Inc., decided that the fruit lineage from which they adopted their moniker did, in fact, also fall within their jurisdiction. Yes, you read correctly. Apple Inc. now 'owns' the humble, crunchy, and oh-so delicious fruit known worldwide - the apple.

In a spectacular display of corporate audacity, Apple Inc. has staked a claim on all apples and apple trees worldwide. Be it the tart Granny Smith, the sultry Red Delicious or the sweet Honeycrisp, each and every one of them now bears the imprint of the Silicon Valley bluechipper. Read your fruit stickers, folks. They should now read, 'Designed by Apple in California'.

What does this mean for the fruit industry, you ask? Well, as you can well imagine, the pricing of apples hit the stratosphere. Apple sellers, or should we say resellers, found themselves in a sticky situation. Apple Inc. not only staked a claim on the fruit, but also insisted that all nondescript 'dealers' are now 'authorised retailers'. And to keep the Apple reputation for exclusivity, pricing of this now rare fruit naturally increased, aligning it with other Apple products.

In a besieged press conference, the company's Director of Fruit Acquisition, Johnny Pippin (yes, they created that position overnight) quipped, "Remember, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Not the lawyer!" Those gathered laughed nervously, unsure about the implications of the joke.

I wonder how Sir Isaac Newton, reclining under that famous apple tree, would react to this embittered battle of rights over his gravity-defining fruit!

But consumers didn’t think it was a laughing matter. And rightfully so! Suddenly, each apple became a slice of luxury, worth more than its weight in gold, perhaps even rivalling the price of the latest iPhone model!

As for the reaction from the tech community? Well, CEO of Orange Technologies (yes, just go with it) was heard muttering, "Good they didn’t take the orange route. Phew". However, fearing a potential trend, Chiquita has hired a legal team to guard their bananas from possible tech invasions. Meanwhile, Microsoft is reportedly considering to patent 'Windows' to include any and all glass panes!

So buckle up, folks. As we continue on this fruitfully amusing journey, one cannot but laugh at these 'apple' of our eyes shenanigans. The world truly has gone bananas! For now, let's just sit back, enjoy an expensive apple (while we can afford one), and remember - as they at Apple say, 'Think Different!'

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.