Oct 2, 2023, 12:59 AM
In a remarkable display of audacity, Apple Corp, our smug, neighborhood trillion-dollar tech giant known for making phones thinner than your chances of affording one, has spoken up about the recent scandal engulfing its latest product, the iPhone 15.
Known to maintain a cool as a cucumber-nonchalance while juggling gadgets that cost as much as a small island, Apple bigwigs remained unflappable as they addressed the rampant overheating issue plaguing the iPhone 15. As it turns out, the problem isn't with the phone, but the way you're holding it. Yes, you heard it right. Apparently, your organically wrong digits are to blame for turning your precious phone into a portable griddle.
"Your hands are just not compatible with our phone. Get new hands," the CEO nonchalantly declared as he demonstrated how to hold the phone properly - by the tip of your fingers, 14.5 inches away from your body, suspended at a 33-degree angle under the full moon.
"This adjustment will offer you enhanced features like not blistering your fingers and, so far, this is the most organic, natural holding position we've discovered," he continued. The phrase 'you're holding it wrong' has since gone viral, with hashtags popping up faster than iPhones on Black Friday. Apple has declared it the unofficial slogan for the iPhone 15, although some suggest it should be deemed the company's overall motto.
Following this revelation, Apple has also promised to roll out some innovative, elaborate solutions for users. There's a rumor that they’re launching a new series of iGloves, designed to prevent your iPhone from overheating due to human touch. The chic gloves (designed, we've heard, by Lady Gaga's left glove) will set you back a mere $999— a small price to pay to hold your phone without charring your fingers. They will come in three colors: Charred Ash Grey, Overheating Obsidian, and Apple Core Red.
In typical Apple fashion, they didn't stop there. To combat the heat from their device, they've designed an innovate 'iFan' that you can connect to your iPhone via the patented 'iPlug'. The catch? It comes at the meager price of $1,500, no discounts or trade-ins allowed. And before you ask, yes, it does come in Rose Gold.
In conclusion, Apple continues with their trend of groundbreaking innovation by blaming their flawed products on the fact that our bodies are not complying with their instructions. The audacity manages to be hilariously laughable, absurd, and terrifying, all at once - a combination only Apple could pull off.
A line of loyal customers already stretches around the block at Apple Stores worldwide, ready to get their hands on, or rather, off, the new iPhone 15. Matter of factly, if someone tells you that you're holding your life all wrong, it's probably too late, you’re most likely an iPhone 15 owner.
So, here's to another year of tech-induced absurdity gracefully provided by our friends, Apple - serving biting humor, one iPhone release at a time. P.S. You're holding it wrong.
This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.