In a discovery that rewrites both history and intellectual property law, a team of scholars from the University of Bethlehem (Uganda branch) has authenticated a papyrus scroll titled "Yuletide Implementation Framework v1.0 (Provisional)" allegedly drafted by Jesus Christ himself on December 24th, 1 AD. The document, discovered tucked inside a miraculously preserved figgy pudding recipe book in a Nazareth-era pottery jar, contains 17 detailed clauses governing the first Christmas—including mandatory caroling quotas and strict reindeer weight limits. "This proves beyond doubt that Jesus didn’t just inspire Christmas—he literally filed the paperwork," declared Dr. Ebenezer Cratchit III, lead archaeologist, while adjusting his tinfoil "historical accuracy" hat. The scroll’s most contentious clause (7b) mandates that all future Christmases must include at least one person angrily assembling flat-pack furniture while muttering about "ungrateful children."
According to the newly translated scroll, Christ established the "Yule Licensing Bureau" (YLB) to enforce compliance, requiring all participants to pay tribute in myrrh, frankincense, or equivalent gift cards. The document also reveals he trademarked "Silent Night" before the shepherds even left the field, leading to a cease-and-desist order against the Bethlehem Choir. Modern corporations have already begun exploiting loopholes: Amazon secured exclusive rights to "Three Kings Day" delivery logistics, while Coca-Cola retroactively licensed the "red suit" aesthetic from Saint Nicholas’ 3rd-century merchandising deal. "We’re just honoring the original patent," insisted a spokesperson while sipping eggnog from a "YLB Certified" mug. "Jesus wanted us to monetize the heck out of this."
The YLB has since reactivated its enforcement division, deploying "Compliance Elves" to audit households for violations like insufficient tinsel density or unauthorized Santa sightings. Penalties include temporary suspension of hot cocoa privileges and mandatory viewing of Die Hard on loop. Historians note Christ’s foresight in Clause 12: "All gift recipients shall feign delight when receiving socks, under penalty of coal-based sanctions." Meanwhile, the Vatican confirmed it’s preparing a class-action lawsuit against December 26th, alleging "premature post-holiday sales violate the spirit of perpetual festivity." As Dr. Cratchit solemnly warned: "If your tree isn’t up by November 1st, you’re technically infringing. The scroll doesn’t lie—it’s laminated."