Axial Seamount Embraces Vegan Lifestyle, Vows to Erupt ‘Tofu Magma’ by 2025

In a groundbreaking press conference held via hydrothermal vent, the Axial Seamount—an underwater volcano located 300 miles off the Oregon coast—announced its transition to a fully vegan eruption regimen. The move, described as “a moral awakening,” aims to replace traditional lava with a plant-based alternative resembling “extra-firm tofu, but with more sparkle.”

Geologists are baffled. “This is unprecedented,” said Dr. Lila Brine, a volcanologist at the University of Submarine Science. “We’ve seen magma chambers cool, but never ethically reconsider their life choices. The last sample we collected smelled like miso soup and regret.” The seamount’s manifesto, etched into a basalt tablet nearby, cites documentaries like Cowspiracy: Hydrothermal Edition and a “toxic relationship with mantle plumes” as key motivators.

Not all reactions have been supportive. Mount Etna released a statement calling the decision “weak” and “probably just a phase,” while Yellowstone’s supervolcano tweeted a single cry-laughing emoji. Meanwhile, tectonic plate caterers report a 400% spike in orders for quinoa-based magma substitutes.

Environmental groups are cautiously optimistic. “If every volcano swapped pyroclastic flows for tempeh tremors, we could reduce the carbon footprint of natural disasters by up to 12%,” claimed Greenpeace’s spokesperson, before adding, “Wait, is this real? Are we doing volcano PR now?”

Marine life remains divided. Tube worms near the seamount’s vents have started picketing with signs reading “BRING BACK THE HEAT” and “TOFU MAGMA IS JUST HOT HUMUS.” Meanwhile, vegan activist sharks have declared the area a “cruelty-free zone,” patrolling the waters to confiscate any unauthorized shellfish.

When asked about long-term plans, Axial Seamount hinted at collaborations with almond milk geysers and a line of artisanal lava lamps made from recycled kombucha SCOBYs. “Change starts beneath the surface,” it rumbled through a series of carefully timed tremors. “Also, does anyone know if nutritional yeast is keto-friendly?”

The world watches, waits, and wonders: Is this the dawn of a gentler geology? Or just a really slow news cycle?