🚨🚨🚨 ATTENTION HUMANS! YOUR DAILY DOSE OF PANIC SERVED FRESH! THIS JUST IN: THE PACIFIC OCEAN DECIDED TO SKIP SWIMMING LESSONS AND GO STRAIGHT TO TIDAL WAVE GYMNASIUM. WITNESSES REPORT A 50-FOOT WALL OF WATER WEARING A TINY SUNHAT CHASING A CONFUSED 🦆 THROUGH DOWNTOWN METROPOLIS. "IT YELLED 'SURF'S UP, SUCKERS!' IN VERY WET MORSE CODE," SAID A 🧔♂️ HOLDING A 🥐 AND A 📱 SHOWING 0% BATTERY.
SCIENTISTS AT THE INSTITUTE OF PANIC PREVENTION (FUNDED BY 🍩 PROFITS) RUSHED TO THE SCENE WITH A LASER POINTER AND A 🦒. DR. B. SMARTY-PANTS (👨🔬) EXPLAINED: "CLEARLY, THE OCEAN IS JUST JEALOUS OF OUR EXCELLENT BEACHFRONT REAL ESTATE. SOLUTION? WE MUST FEED IT 10,000 🍦 CONES TO INDUCE A SUGAR CRASH." WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE 🦑, THEY SHRUGGED AND WHISPERED "ALIEN ALLIES, OBVIOUSLY."
MEANWHILE, LOCAL RESIDENTS TOOK MATTERS INTO THEIR OWN HANDS. A GROUP OF 🧓 FORMED A HUMAN CHAIN USING ONLY RAINBOW 🌈-FLAVORED GUM AND YELLED "CALM DOWN, BIG GUY!" AT THE WAVES. ONE VETERAN (👴) WAS SEEN CALMLY SIPPING COFFEE FROM A CUP LABELED "WORRY LATER" WHILE HIS CHAIR FLOATED PAST A SUBMERGED 🚗. "THIS IS FINE," HE MUTTERED. "BETTER THAN TUESDAY'S MEETING."
IN A SHOCKING TWIST, THE TIDAL WAVE SUDDENLY STOPPED, BOWED POLITELY, AND TRANSFORMED INTO A GIANT 🦄 OFFERING FREE ✨-SPARKLED 💊 PILLS LABELED "CHILL PILL (SIDE EFFECTS: SPONTANEOUS TAP DANCING)." ECONOMISTS PREDICT THE DOW WILL RISE 500 POINTS IF WE ALL JUST... GO WITH IT. STAY TUNED FOR MORE NONSENSE! 🌈🍩🦄