In a cataclysmic event set to go down in the beans-filled history books, an eccentric tech billionaire who we shall refer to as Efreak, in an effort to ensure everybody gets their daily dose of fibre, has filled the homes and vehicles of unsuspecting citizens across the globe with - you guessed it - baked beans. More beans than anyone could reasonably know what to do with.
The sudden rain of legumes started early in the morning, with the first reports coming in just after breakfast time in Pewaukee, Wisconsin. Aww, dear Pewaukee, the trusty canary in the beans mine!
Imagine. You sit down for your morning coffee, boot up your computer, check your emails, and then... slosh. Your room is filled with enough baked beans to feed a small army of vegetarians. You call your friends to complain but alas, they too are neck-deep in beans.
How did we get here, you might ask? Is the lexicon of ridiculousness so bankrupt that baked beans are our saviours? Surely, there must have been a warning! There wasn't. Unless you count Efreak's cryptic tweet from last week that just said, "Expect legumes".
"Expect legumes," he said. A lesson learnt - in the wild world of techno-tycoons, legume forecasts are to be taken both literally and with a hefty pinch of salt. Or a giant can of baked beans.
Now, no one knows what Efreak was trying to achieve here. Some speculate it's a publicity stunt. Some say it's a ‘bean-powered revolution’. Others theorise it's an elaborate initiative to single-handedly restore the sanctity of Sunday brunch. However, his inspiration seems to be the age-old adage, ‘Eat beans, stay lean.’
The real question on everyone's mind - what's the secret sauce? The beans are oddly tasty. Is it a mix of brown sugar, tomato paste, and a dash of Efreak's sinister intentions? Or just good old Heinz? We'll probably never know. Meanwhile, citizens are adjusting to their baked beans-induced lifestyle, canoeing through their living rooms, and diving for lost artifacts in their bean-flooded cars.
As we brace ourselves for what Efreak might have cooking next, the world lets out a collective sigh, shovels in hand, ready for the cleanup. Only time will tell if we survive this tumultuous beany tide and live to spill the beans. Until then, let's enjoy the ride, sit back and pass the toast.