Behind the Foliage: Garden Clubs' Seedy Secret Mission

Sep 7, 2023, 3:43 PM

Let’s dive deep into the compost bin of our local Garden Clubs. Picture this: A sweet community of 50-year olds all in their Keukenhof inspired outfits, amassing in secret behind the rhododendrons, huddled and whispering about petunias' mental health, the love life of daisies and the scandal of rudbeckias that lost their yellow hues.

Are they harmless humour repositories just boasting about the size of their gourds? Or are they on an important clandestine mission? Time to remove the lawn mower from the shed – there’s more than the eye meets interwoven in the knotweed.

Firstly, let's talk about their secret language. Pay attention to their coded communication. “The hydrangeas in Glenson Garden are wilting. The roses in Glenson decided not to bloom this year. The marigolds in Glenson are looking pale.” Are they subtly discussing the health of flowers, or is it a hidden way to say, “The mayor is open to bribes. The councilmen are plotting again. The zoning inspector is dealable with a couple of Gin & Tonic!"

The garden hose is not just for watering the plants. It is a espionage tool, squirting out questions about when Mrs. Johnson’s sunflowers will bloom. By playing dumb, and just answering with an innocent, ‘They’ll bloom in May,' you’re covertly notifying them about the mayor’s secret summer home itinerary.

And now, let’s talk about the term ‘weeding.’ Sure, it sounds fancy. You’ve got your gloves on, a little outdoor music, some sweet lemonade within arms' reach - everything seems picture-perfect.

But wait, weeding, when translated from Secret Garden Club Speak, means digging! Digging up dirt about fellow townsfolk and gossiping about their secrets – all the while they maintain a smile, radiating the joy of nature’s beauty.

Am I digging too deep, you ask? Or maybe, my spade has only just broken the surface soil. Perhaps it’s time for you to sign up for a Garden Club membership and see their 'seedy' secret mission for yourselves.

That’s right, folks, they’re not discussing compost and mulch – they’re discussing Council corruption. The Trowels and Trellises are more insidious than the tunnels under a prairie-dog's town. They’re not wistfully gazing at daffodils, they're on watch for dubious deeds. And those lovely pruning shears aren’t for manicuring roses, but for cutting off any unwelcome community growth.

So, the next time you walk past your local Garden Club meeting and hear mention of poppies, sunflowers, or the town’s biggest pumpkin, tip your hat, wave, and remember – you are not hearing about the annual flower show. You are hearing about the next Mayoral elections. Yes, these garden clubs are weeding out the crooks, one flowering bulb at a time, right in your backyard.

And now ladies and gentlemen, keep your petunias pruned and your secrets buried deep. The Garden club’s got their gloves on, and they’re not afraid of any dirty work.

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.