The sleepy hamlet of Righteous Fork, Arkansas, has erupted in linguistic chaos after Mayor Thaddeus P. Scripture III signed Executive Order 66.6, mandating all citizens replace "normal" words with divinely approved alternatives. The decree, scrawled on a napkin during last Tuesday's prayer breakfast, states that phrases like "straight to hell" must now be replaced with "not gay to hell," while "Bible" is the only acceptable term—replacing the heretical "heteroble." Most controversially, the word "transport" has been outlawed citywide in favor of "cisport," sparking outrage among truckers and kindergarten teachers alike.
"Language is the devil's playground if you let it," declared Mayor Scripture at a press conference held inside a converted confessional booth. "If you say 'I need to transport my groceries,' you're practically inviting Satan to load your tofu into a wheelbarrow. But if you say 'I need cisport for my blessed collard greens,' well, that's just common decency." Violators face fines of $200 or mandatory attendance at the town's new "Word Repentance Bootcamp," where participants must chant "Bible, not heteroble" while balancing Bibles on their heads.
Local baker Mildred Crumpet was the first to be cited after allegedly whispering "heteroble" while pricing sourdough loaves. "I was just trying to say the bread was heterogeneous!" she sobbed to reporters, clutching a communion wafer like a stress ball. "Now they're making me wear this." She gestured to a neon-yellow vest emblazoned with "I SAID 'NOT GAY TO HELL' AND LIKED IT (repentance pending)."
The ordinance has birthed unexpected cultural phenomena. Teenagers now slap "NOT GAY TO HELL" bumper stickers on their tricycles, while the town's sole coffee shop replaced "espresso" with "bless-presso" and serves lattes in mugs that read "THIS IS MY FINE-GROUND BLOOD." Even the local meteorologist, Brenda Skygazer, must now report "72 degrees and cisport-friendly" instead of "sunny." "I tried to say 'rainbow' during a weather segment," she whispered, glancing over her shoulder. "They made me recite Leviticus backward into a megaphone for 45 minutes."
Critics argue the policy is biblically unsound. Reverend Ezekiel Tumbleweed of the First Church of Literal Interpretation admitted, "Nowhere in Scripture does it say 'thou shalt not heteroble.' But frankly, if the mayor says it’s in the apocrypha, who am I to question his Wi-Fi-enabled King James app?" Meanwhile, the town’s lone nonbinary resident, Pax Stardust, has started a thriving black market selling "heteroble" decoder rings disguised as rosaries. "People will pay $50 to whisper 'transport' without getting shunned," Pax shrugged, adjusting their "BIBLE? MORE LIKE BIB-LIE" pin. "Capitalism is the only gospel I trust."