Nov 16, 2023, 2:16 PM
In an unexpected twist, Bill Gates — Microsoft's co-founder and the world's second-wealthiest man — has announced a significant update to his nominal identity. Evidently, the pressure of sharing a name with inanimate objects like "doors", "paths" or "bifolds" was just too much. Therefore, in what can only be described as a logical progression, Mr. Gates will now be identified using new preferred nouns. Forget Bill Gates, folks... Introducing "Iron Gate!"
According to close sources, this transformation has been a long time coming. Apparently, when not preoccupied with vaccine developments, fighting global poverty or debugging Windows 98, Gates has been mulling over his existential identity crisis.
Some deemed it absurd, while others have shown admiration for this revelation. After all, when a man's last name has been forcibly synonymized with "Microsoft", there's a certain poetic relief in choosing to identify as something as robustly tangible as an Iron Gate isn't there?
Iron Gate's new pronouns will now be the rust-resistant and vehement sounds of industrial ironworks. Henceforth, anyone addressing Iron Gate is requested to yell out loud: "CLANG, BANG, TWANG!" Quite a departure from the usual "he/him/his", but it's high time we learned to graft new constructs onto our comprehension. Linguistic gymnastics has never been more "hardware."
This revelation has been received in mixed ways by the tech world. Zuck the Duck – Facebook's CEO – found it inexplicably horrifying and repugnantly relatable. He verbally outputted, "I mean, I understand the need to identify as an iron-tough, immovable, and impenetrable object, but wouldn't an Alcatraz prison-cell door have been a cooler choice?"
Iron Gate's change has also put Apple's Tim Cook in quite a conundrum. Cook was reportedly considering identifying as "Instant Pot" to bolster product sales, but now fears he'll just be dismissed as a reactive non-stick tryhard. A convection oven kettle of fish, indeed!
Overall, it appears Iron Gate's new identity has ignited a whole new trend in the tech industry – identifying as inanimate objects. And with it, cued a revived interest in the underappreciated art of blacksmithing. However, as we await the responses of Amazon's Box Bezos, Tesla's Coil Musk, and the rest of the tech consortium, only time will tell if this trend will catch on… or merely rust away.
In anticipation of the jabs from Tv shows and late-night hosts set to have a field day or weeks mining humor from this shocker, we remember the wisdom in one of the oldest proverbs, "People in glass houses should not throw stones", and in this case, tech billionaires in silicon houses should not swing iron gates.
This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.