Hold on to your ray guns and grab a nerf herder, because we've got some galaxy-shattering news! Darth Vader, the dark lord, the terrifying Sith mastodon himself, has recently rocked the galactic order by trading his feared black helmet for, drum roll please,... fifty shades of gray.
Now, if you've just spat out your Bantha milk, don't worry, you're not alone. After all, who'd ever believe that Darth Vader, a villain so dark he makes King-Joffrey-meets-Hitler look like a neighbour who borrows your lawn-mower and ‘forgets’ to return it, would suddenly sprout a moral ambiguity like a confused teenager taking a sociology class? But here we are folks, in a universe where Vader—Anakin’s angsty alter ego—is no longer a symbol of pure evil, but a poster child of wraith-like grayness!
What led to this unforeseen development, you ask? Well, imagine our surprise when the man exterminated entire planets and families, then suddenly called for a time-out. Sources close to the nostalgia-deficient, asthmatic villain reveal that the shift happened while he was in the throes of a deep introspection period—or what us normal folks would call a midlife crisis. Whilst considering the color scheme of his death star (we'd advised a cheery pastel theme), he came to a sudden revelation about the 'gray-side' of the Force.
"It's not always black and white," Vader mumbled through his futuristic respirator during yet another session of deep space therapy. "I mean, has anyone actually tried asking the droids how they feel about all this? Sure, they say 'beep boop bop', but who knows what anguish lies behind those LED eyes? That's grade-A robot depression right there!"
Amid uproarious laughter from fiscal conservatives across the galaxy, who found the idea of robot-feelings utterly preposterous (those guys wouldn’t know a joke if it clawed its way out of a Sarlacc pit), Darth's newfound compassion proves that anyone can dismiss the binary thought of good & evil. It's time to meet a Vader who doesn’t follow the rules. This Vader shrugs, says "meh," and lets the Tie Fighters double park on the shuttle bays. Because guess what? Vader’s done being everyone's insufferable boss. He’s demoted himself to middle management, and boy he’s killing it.
And there you have it. Darth Vader, the tyrant turned freelance ethicist, has decided to throw both light and dark-sides of the Force a curveball. So, what does this mean for the future of the galaxy and gas prices? Only time will tell. For now, let's clink our glasses to Darth Vader; may the (gray) force be with him, and may he finally convince the emperor to instate casual Fridays.