In a stunning convergence of incompetence, hubris, and thermodynamically questionable engineering, the former R&D division of Synergistic Industrial Solutions & Paperclip Maximization LLC (SIS&PM) has reportedly isolated "Block Water™"—a substance that allegedly exists simultaneously in 17 hydration states across parallel dimensions. This discovery, buried in a Medium blog post titled "Why My Tamagotchi Runs Crysis (Mods Required)," was "stolen" by a government contractor who bypassed the site’s "password" (which was just the word 'password') using a Raspberry Pi duct-taped to a toaster.
According to leaked Slack messages (obtained by Wibble News via a carrier pigeon named Kevin), SIS&PM’s ex-scientists had repurposed their classified "Basic Production Mechanisms"—patented devices that turn office supplies into vaguely useful polymers—into a "Multidimensional Exotic Chemical Material Reactor." The reactor, cobbled together from IKEA furniture and a malfunctioning Keurig, allegedly synthesizes Block Water by cross-referencing Minecraft modding forums with 1980s shampoo ingredient lists. "It’s not magic," insisted Dr. Alistair Quibble, former VP of "Plausible Deniability Engineering." "It’s just water that thinks it’s water in 16 other universes. Also, it glows. Very marketable."
The crisis began when "GovSec Intern #4782" (real name: Chad) "hacked" SIS&PM’s public-facing blog—hosted on a Geocities-style platform called NetscapeZone.net—to "recover stolen national secrets." The blog, run by indie game dev collective Hamster Wheel Studios, detailed their "Internal Combustion Game Engine," which uses literal gasoline-powered generators to render low-poly potatoes. "We needed raw power for our potato physics," explained studio lead Pixel McFry. "My grandma’s lawnmower engine renders 0.3 FPS, but the texture? Chef’s kiss." Chad’s "hack" involved guessing the password after seeing it scribbled on a Post-it note stuck to the studio’s "supercomputer"—a repurposed washing machine filled with liquid-cooled GPUs.
SIS&PM’s lawyers now claim Block Water is "the intellectual property of a sentient spreadsheet" and have filed a lawsuit against Chad, the washing machine, and "the concept of hydration." Meanwhile, Hamster Wheel Studios has launched a Kickstarter for Block Water: The Game, where players "mine hydration states" using a virtual shovel made of recycled PDFs. Early backers receive a vial of "dimensionally ambiguous tap water" shipped in a hollowed-out Doom CD case.
Industry analysts predict Block Water will revolutionize everything from quantum computing to "making your kombucha feel like it’s from another dimension." When asked how to obtain it, Dr. Quibble sighed: "Just spill coffee on a blockchain diagram. Honestly, we’re all just making this up as we go."