In a shocking twist of fate, farts have failed to make headlines today. Our team of investigative journalists has reported that not a single flatulence-related incident has occurred anywhere in the world. The experts are calling it a "downwind spiral" of significant proportions.
Desperate news agencies are now scouring the planet for any hint of breaking wind. But alas, all they seem to find is just the normal, everyday variety of farts that are neither noteworthy nor newsworthy.
Our sources have confirmed that several news outlets have resorted to covering stories that are even more mundane than usual. One major network is now broadcasting a live feed of paint drying, while another has resorted to describing in great detail the intricate process of watching grass grow.
The absence of breaking wind has left experts scratching their heads and scientists baffled. "We're completely stumped," said one specialist, "We've never seen anything like this before. It's like the world has stopped farting."
We reached out to a prominent gastroenterologist for comment on this strange and concerning development. "Well, it could be a result of the recent world events," he said, "People are feeling increasingly anxious, and that can lead to a decline in intestinal motility." He also added that "Perhaps everyone's just holding it in."
Social media has exploded with outrage and disbelief as people struggle to come to grips with this flatulent-free reality. Many have taken to Twitter to vent their frustration, with several trending hashtags such as #FlatulenceGate and #WheresTheNoise already circulating.
In response, many celebrities have shared their own flatulence stories, recounting their most embarrassing and hilarious moments in an effort to bring some levity to this sad state of affairs.
One major news outlet has even gone so far as to release a statement assuring the public that breaking wind will, in fact, return. "We want to reassure our viewers that this is not the end of the world," the statement read. "Farts have been with us since the dawn of time, and they will continue to be with us for the foreseeable future."
Until then, we urge our readers to remain vigilant and keep their ears to the ground for any breaking wind developments. In the meantime, we leave you with this image of a cat sleeping on a windowsill, in the hopes that it will bring some comfort and levity to these dark and troubling times.
