As the United Kingdom gears up to finally cut ties with the European Union, Americans all along the eastern seaboard are bracing for an unprecedented disaster: the Great British Landmass hurtling across the Atlantic and crashing headfirst into their shores.
At first, experts dismissed the rumors as preposterous, noting that even if the entirety of Great Britain were dislodged from its moorings, it would be highly unlikely to drift all the way to the States. But as the magnitude of Brexit became more apparent, so too did the potential for disaster.
With Britain now firmly committed to leaving the EU, it's only a matter of time before the island nation breaks free of continental Europe and begins its journey across the ocean. While many countries are concerned about the impact of Brexit, the US has the most substantial reason to worry.
Some scientists predict that it will take only a few months for the United Kingdom to traverse the 3,500 miles separating it from the East Coast. What will happen when a chunk of land roughly the size of Michigan comes toppling into the water at speeds of up to 200 miles per hour? Will the intercontinental impact trigger tsunamis and mass flooding, or will it simply blot out the sun and rain fire and brimstone down upon the hapless Americans below?
The US government has responded by convening a panel of scientists and military experts to determine how to thwart the impending calamity. Suggestions range from strategically positioning massive trampolines offshore, to harnessing the power of the Bermuda Triangle to divert the incoming landmass toward Greenland.
In the meantime, American citizens have begun adapting to their new reality. Coastal residents are building emergency shelters out of steel and concrete, while inland states stockpile supplies in preparation for the inevitable refugee crisis.
Public figures have also weighed in on the situation. One Scottish comedian has suggested that the UK strap thousands of helium-filled balloons to the island to soften the blow, while a popular Twitter account has called for the entire nation to take up yoga to dissipate the stress and prevent excessive bouncing.
Regardless of where one stands on the issue, there can be no doubt that the consequences of Brexit will be far-reaching and difficult to predict. As the world watches in awe and bewilderment, the only certainty is that the future is anything but certain.
