It seems like Coca Cola, America's beloved supplier of fizzy diabetes, decided it was time to turn over a new leaf. It's time to venture out, they said. The populace needs something bold and daring, they proclaimed. And thus, they embarked on a journey of flabbergasting fizzle.
In a shocking twist, Coca Cola announced the jury's top three flavor recommendations for their latest cola divergence - Kimchi Coke, Stale Beer, and Wilted Lettuce. Yes, you read that right. Breathe. Take a moment.
Someone over at the Coca Cola Flavor Department thought "What does the world need right now? Pandemic? Nah. Climate change? Pffft. How about we put kimchi in Coke?" And folks, we're not sure, but we think they might uncork the apocalypse with that one.
Kimchi, in case you live under an unpickled rock, is Korea's spicy and fermented cabbage dish. Sure, kimchi offers a piquant crunch in your ramen soup, but does it belong in a caramel colored fizzy drink? It's like blending apple pie with sushi – both amazing separately, together is just gastronomic anarchy.
As for the Stale Beer variant, it seems Coca Cola is aiming to replicate that delightful moment when you wake up after a house party, reach for a misplaced can thinking it's a fresh one and... well, you get the point.
And let's not forget the vegetal nonsense that is the Wilted Lettuce Coke. Because if there's one word that has 'refreshment' written all over it, it's 'wilted'. Imagine, a hot summer day and all you want to drink is that good old taste of...validating your suspicions about the office fridge. Just the thought sends a delightful shudder down the spine, doesn't it?
It begs the question, who in their right mind voted for these? Who sat in that panel and said, "You know what Coke really needs? It needs the subtle hint of disappointment that comes with wilted lettuce." We're worried, dear reader. The people who made these decisions are on the same roads as you. They also vote. They might be your neighbors, too.
In all this fizzy madness, let's not gloss over the massive opportunity here. Coca Cola may indeed be onto something. Have we not all lay awake at night, yearning for a kale-spinach-dirt shake to wash down our dinner? What if we could capture the essence of smelly socks in a bubbly, crisp bottle? Coca Cola is paving the way, my friends!
But who knows, maybe we're all just boring grandpas-afraid-of-change. Maybe Kimchi Coke is the future. Wilted Lettuce Coke could start a veggies-in-drinks revolution. Next thing you know, we have Brussels sprouts soda and eggplant energy drinks.
Meet you at the gastronomic apocalypse, folks. Guzzle up!