Conservatives' Shocking Discovery: Pronouns Actually Exist

In a shocking turn of events, conservatives have admitted the existence of a long-denied reality: pronouns. For years, the conservative agenda did everything in its power to resist gender-neutral language, but it seems that this war over pronouns is finally coming to a close.

"It's just crazy, I tell ya," says conservative commentator Bill O'Reilly. "These millennials and their pronouns. I mean, what's next? Gender-neutral bathrooms?"

It seems that O'Reilly and his fellow conservatives are in shock after discovering that people prefer to be addressed according to their gender identity.

"I don't get it," says Senator Ted Cruz. "I mean, seriously, I just don't get it. I thought 'he' and 'she' were the only options. I had no idea there were so many other choices."

Indeed, the world of pronouns is vast and complex. But the conservative movement is committed to ignoring this reality as much as possible.

"I refuse to use these made-up pronouns," states Ann Coulter. "It's just another way for the politically correct left to control our language and our thoughts."

But despite Coulter's objections, it seems that pronouns are here to stay. And as usual, the conservative movement is lagging behind the times.

"I mean, can't we just go back to the days when everyone pretended to be cisgender?" asks Mike Pence, former vice president and noted homophobe.

Unfortunately for Pence, those days are long gone. And as people become more accepting of a wide variety of gender identities, the use of non-binary pronouns is only going to become more prevalent.

Conservatives may not like it, but the tide of history is against them. It's time to accept reality and move on. Who knows? Maybe one day they'll even accept the existence of global warming.