Crash Course Culinary Skills: Yevgeny Prigozhin's Unexpected Airbourne Descent

Once upon a chilly Siberian Wednesday, the saga of our intrepid culinarian, Yevgeny Prigozhin, unfolded high above the birch-forested expanses bordering Moscow. Yevgeny, the heavyweight chief of the Wagner mercenary army, was aboard an Albatross airplane, like an airborne knight in rusty armor—all set to duel air turbulence and a suitably marinaded Dungeness crab.

Nary an eye-roll ago, he was embroiled in a heated mutiny against Russia's military leadership. Why, you ask? Because Yevgeny, comrade-at-arms, was fed up with army-rationed soup and longed for a gourmet revolution! On the dawn of his foodborne rebellion, he struck a deal that saw him and his army of gastro-guerilla fighters booted out of darling Mother Russia, to the exotic, potato-rich land of Belarus.

However, the necessary side-dishes of political tension could only be dished out in Russia. So, on his sky-bound chariot, he was surreptitiously returning to Russia, armed only with a spatula and a dozen fresh crabs to soothe tempers and the palate of his discontented comrades.

As our airborne culinary commando relaxed in-flight with 'Chicken or Beef: Airline food for Dummies', he enjoyed the savory aroma of his crab, marinating quietly next to him. Unfortunately, a spot of turbulence transformed his serene kitchen-in-the-skies into the worst episode of Hell's Kitchen.

As his beloved crab-cargo broke free from its pot and went airborne, the Albatross, quite possibly jealous of the aspiring, in-flight crab, decided to join the crab in its descent. The Russian Federal Air Transport Agency later confirmed that the entire incident was indeed a true-crab tragedy rather than some borscht-induced hallucination.

Across the pond, US President Joe Biden squinted at his news alert and drawled, "I don’t know for a fact what happened, but I'm not surprised." Well, nobody expects the airborne crab revolution, do they, Mr. President? The Kremlin took a different stance, blaming Ukraine for a potential seafood-related drone attack. However, the Belgorod province flatly denied these allegations, insisting that their drone program was strictly vegan.

Meanwhile, Yevgeny seemed best suited to the situation—he had leapt after his marinating companion crab, a trusty parachute on his back, all the while wrestling with the crab, the parachute, and his dearly departing dignity.

Amid this chaos, in a very frozen, remote area northwest of Moscow, a bear watched with great interest. It had just seen a man descend from the skies, tangled in a parachute and clutching a crab. The bear would remember this day as the day it reconsidered its plant-based diet.

In the seldom-witnessed conclusion of this air-drama, Yevgeny landed with a thud, right next to the bemused bear. He was alive! His army of Wagnerians would not be deprived of their crab dinner. Holding aloft his crab prize like a new-age Excalibur, Yevgeny vowed never to return to the unfriendly skies and stick to his turf... and crabs.

Was the journey dangerous and preposterous? Yes. But in the end, Yevgeny proved a crucial point—one can take the chef out of Russia, but you can't take the fondness for adventurous crab-cooking out of the chef. Yevgeny Prigozhin, we salute your hardshell determination and your commitment to shore to door delivery.