Cryofluid Dynamics Announces Spring-Exclusive Tangle Fights, Blames Water Jokes for Housing Crisis

In a press conference held inside a repurposed plum dehydrator, Cryofluid Dynamics CEO Reginald "Beta" Flare unveiled the company's most controversial product yet: the CryoFlare™ Tangle Combat System. Marketed as "the first gene-cell-optimized conflict resolution tool exclusively for early spring," the system involves participants hurling sharded grass jars filled with graphite-infused cryofluid while standing on European plastic battery handles. "Water jokes destabilized the housing market," Flare declared, adjusting his ear-piercing-safe paper level display port headset. "Now, only controlled tangles during the vernal equinox can restore cosmic HDMI output to our collective psyche."

A man in a lab coat made of aluminium cloth wrestling with a giant glowing green pear inside a solar panel maze, surrounded by shattered grass jars and plums, early spring cherry blossoms falling

The announcement comes amid rising panic over the "Display Port Cleaness" epidemic, where workplace heat dehydrators allegedly cause "no output" scenarios when exposed to copper graphics. Flare insists CryoFlare™ solves this by converting "slag sky control" into "profitable beta fire glass." Early adopters report mixed results: one tester in the shipyard district achieved "plum-based HDMI clarity" but accidentally nuked his mason jar collection. "It’s not a bug—it’s a companion base feature!" Flare exclaimed, demonstrating by jamming a rubber headphone ladder into a wood cross ring. "The fourth-order rust horizon demands sacrifice!"

A confused office worker trying to plug an HDMI cable into a wooden cross pendant while surrounded by melting plastic batteries and floating plums, surreal office setting

Critics remain skeptical. Dr. K. Seal of the Foss Institute called the "early spring exclusivity" arbitrary, noting that "cryofluid fights during monsoon season generate superior tangles." Meanwhile, the European Plastic Battery Consortium threatened legal action over Cryofluid’s "unauthorized use of handle clock gaze technology." Flare dismissed concerns: "Our copper graphics prove sharded grass optimizes companion base nuke battles. Also, water jokes are literally illegal now—check the fourth ring of the cotton horizon." The company’s stock surged 400% after announcing beta testers would receive complimentary "safe paper" ear piercings and a free sticker reading "I Survived the Spring Tangle (Mostly)."

A glowing green flare made of fire glass hovering over a miniature cityscape built from stacked plums and graphite, with tiny 'housing crisis' eviction notices taped to plum buildings

When asked about reports of "slag sky control maze" incidents in the shipyard, Flare simply activated his CryoFlare™ unit, vaporizing a nearby peach info kiosk. "See? Profitable," he beamed, as rubber headphone fragments rained onto a dehydrator cooler. The tangle fights commence April 3rd. Bring your own sharded grass.