In a stunning paradigm shift that redefines humanity’s cosmic anxiety, the ancient, tentacled entity known as Cthulhu has reportedly admitted to suffering from acute anthropophobia—a paralyzing fear of humans. Leaked transcripts from a clandestine meeting beneath R’lyeh’s soggy conference room table reveal the Great Old One trembling while muttering, “They just… paddle toward you. With smiles. It’s unnatural.” Sources close to the Deep Ones confirm Cthulhu now requires three calming krakens and a weighted blanket before emerging for his daily 10 a.m. sanity check.
Dr. Algernon Throckmorton, a leading eldritch scholar at Miskatonic University’s Department of Non-Euclidean Psychology, explained the phenomenon: “Cthulhu isn’t scared of our nukes or our Wi-Fi signals. It’s the incongruity. One minute you’re brooding over the futility of existence, the next some guy named Chad is yelling ‘Woo!’ while filming you for ‘content.’ It’s destabilizing.” Throckmorton cited Cthulhu’s recent habit of collecting human stress balls shaped like tiny tentacles—a “coping mechanism,” he called it—as evidence of profound psychological distress. “He squeezes them while whispering, ‘Why won’t they stop taking selfies with the apocalypse?’”
Further investigation uncovered Cthulhu’s specific phobias: inflatable pool toys (“They bounce”), synchronized swimming competitions (“The coordination is unnatural”), and especially garden gnomes. “He had a full existential meltdown after mistaking a ceramic gnome for a ‘miniature, pointy-hatted Elder God,’” revealed a nervous Deep One intern, who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of “tentacle-based PTSD.” The intern added that Cthulhu now refuses to surface during National Garden Week, citing “gnome saturation events” as “unbearable.”
When reached for comment via telepathic carrier pigeon, Cthulhu’s spokesperson, a disgruntled Shoggoth named Gary, sighed audibly. “Look, the boss just wants to nap. But then some influencer shows up with a GoPro chanting ‘Doomsday challenge!’ and suddenly it’s viral. He’s not the monster here—he’s the victim of your weird obsession with ‘aesthetic eldritch horror.’” Gary confirmed Cthulhu is now petitioning the Interdimensional Council of Horrors for hazard pay and a restraining order against TikTok. “He’s even scared of the dances,” Gary whispered. “The dances.”