Daring Do: Investor All-In on US Treasuries, Cites 'Extreme Thrill'

Sep 13, 2023, 2:56 PM

Traveling at the breakneck speed of a tortoise with an iron deficit, bellowed Sam Hardwick, the fearless investor known for injecting all his assets into the one place we've all been too terrified to go - the thrilling world of US Treasury bonds. By God, this man is either the bravest among us or he simply found Wall Street's roller coaster a far too timid ride.

"This isn't investing," Sam bravely announced as we caught up with him at his vintage, government-issues desk stacked with age-yellowed bond certificates. He gave us a steely gaze, "This is sheer, unadulterated STEM - Seatbelt-Tested Economics Maneuver. I'm not here to play safe. I'm here to collect a 1.56% annual yield."

When asked about the extreme volatility of the high-speed bond market, Hardwick scoffed, "I've braved the ebb and flow, had sleepless nights wondering if I'd get a quarter of a percent more. That's the kind of hair-raising uncertainty I like."

Meanwhile, those back on Wall Street shivered over their trade buttons, terrified by the mere thought of the bloodcurdling specter that is the bond market.

Micky 'Get-Rich-Quick' Goldstein, a seasoned Wall Street bull, shared his perspective. "Look, I can handle short squeezes, flash crashes and even Elon Musk's tweets — but bargaining with the Federal Reserve? That's pure anarchy."

Anarchy, or perhaps, the ultimate thrill?

"If you want 'quick' and 'easy'," said Hardwick with a clear tone of disdain, "try day-trading, bitcoin, or perhaps a Snapface influencer scheme. You wouldn't last two seconds in the beautiful, terrifying world of Treasuries. The moment the government decides to push a budget bill, boy, you better have your heart pills handy. SIX MONTH bills? You'll need a defibrillator station."

You may think he's reckless, but perhaps he's onto something - maybe, in today's financial world, slow and steady does win the race. Or not. Does anyone understand this stuff?

As he continued to gloat about his sleep-inducing adventures into the land of yawning yields, we found ourselves drawn into his vortex of 'financial vertigo'.

But we'll leave it to you, the readers. Are you ready for the nail-biting anticipation of a 2% yield hike or is the 'extreme' world of US Treasury bonds just another yawn in the age of Dogecoin millionaires? Only time, and the Federal Reserve's next amusing budgeting decision, can tell.

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.