In a surprising move yesterday, the Almighty crushed the belief systems of billions by announcing during a divine press conference that he, in fact, does not exist.
Commencing with a divine throat-clearing that sounded suspiciously like a celestial clog dance within a golden tuba, God leaned onto the star-studded podium manufactured from ethereal dreams and theological loopholes. He peered over his non-existent glasses, which he clarified was the Holy Spirit in disguise, and said, "So, it turns out I'm not real."
The statement sent shockwaves through the audience of the press conference, causing the angels to drop their heavenly quills, unicorns to stumble (Yes! they exist — but that's a story for another day), and caused Buddha to spill his celestial green tea.
"We were expecting something different," said an attending cherub bewilderingly, plucking its harp in a disconsolate tune that sounded suspiciously like ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’. "Like a new commandment, or maybe even a divine party with Heaven’s exclusive ambrosia buffet. But this… this is a little difficult to digest."
God, however, seemed quite nonchalant about his own non-existence. Chuckling at the general mystification, he conjured a heavenly beer (not from thin air, but from non-existence, remember?), took a non-existent sip and said, "I just thought it would be a good laugh to see how you all reacted."
"Wait," said a puzzled angelic reporter, "If you're not real, how are we having this press conference?" God shrugged in reply, "Conscious being’s belief is a tricky thing, my friend. It’s so potent, it can manifest a celestial press conference."
When questioned about the afterlife, God posed a counter-question: "Do you wake up after a dream?" The audience murmured an assortment of guesses before God finally answered, "Who knows? I got bored floating around in nonexistence and decided to have a bit of existential fun."
After the godly joke dropped on everyone, the rest of the conference spun into a blur of disbelief, uproar laughter, and celestial caterers packing up ambrosia. The closure? An existentialist rendition of "Stairway to Heaven" played by Jimi Hendrix on a flaming guitar, who grinned widely as he confirmed, "Told you I'd be back."
God, enjoying Hendrix's virtuoso performance, emptied his illusory beer, and with a divine "cheerio, chums", disappeared into a puff of nonexistence, leaving behind one hell of a metaphysical mess to clean up.
Then chaos ensued, planets starting spinning in reverse, Karma went on a holiday, and the divine tea got cold. But the biggest question popping in everyone's mind: if he’s not real, where does humanity send prayers? The answer remains in gorgeous, divine disobedience — as do all celestial riddles!