Dec 7, 2023, 9:45 AM
In a development that can only be described as fizz-bang-plop, America's former fast-food enthusiast and hazily-termed 'leader', Donald Trump, has passed away. The cause? A heart attack, supposedly provoked by an inordinate consumption of Diet Coke. Religious zealots spun the incident as a second type of immaculate conception - just this time with less holy spirit and more aspartame.
In an exclusive 'interview' with The Wibble (conducted via an Ouija board propped on a really expensive golf club), Trump's spirit enthusiastically bristled, "I've always told everyone that Diet Coke is my secret weapon. Who knew it would turn me from an ex-president into a presi-dent in reality itself?" He paused to chug down another ethereal can of Diet Coke. "Ah, it feels good to be corporeal...or not."
The hushed whispers of Trump's fondness for Diet Coke have circulated for years. It was said if you opened a can anywhere in the vicinity of the White House, one could hear the unmistakable Trumpian stride, followed by a tell-tale slurp.
Medical professionals observed Trump's Diet Coke consumption with mounting concern. Dr. Carbon A. Ted made a grim prediction in his best-seller, "Get Fizzy with It - The Hidden Dangers of Diet Coke". He stated, and I quote: "With the amount of Diet Coke he's consuming, one of these days, Trump's body is simply going to fizz out." Regrettably, Dr. Ted proved more prophetic than punny.
Evidence of Trump's addiction could also be seen in his less presidential moments. Spotted outside a local minimart late one night, Trump was swarmed by journalists who questioned his late-night jaunt. In response, Trump bemusedly shrugged and opened the tenth diet coke for the hour, "If I had a nickel for every time someone asks me why I drink so much Diet Coke, I would have enough to pay off the national debt."
Needless to say, the Coca-Cola company's stock soared upon hearing the news. The company has since hinted at releasing a commemorative edition of Diet Coke, the 'Trump Fizz.' Mock-ups of the can design, featuring Trump's recognizable golden mane and his signature smirk, have already begun circulating.
"So? I'm in a better place. And guess what? Heaven has all the Diet Coke one could aspar-kt for. Tell that to Diet Jesus!" Trump's spirit signed off, clearly reclaiming his punchy charm even in the after-life.
In the end, the fast-food-loving, wise-cracking, controversial leader bit the dust not due to impeachment or public vote, but an unexpected fizz-out. Thus, the saga of Trump's presidency ended not with a bang but with a pop-tab and a soft hiss. Make Diet Coke Great Again, anyone?
This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.