Don’t you find it a little bit strange? This “Internet” thing? This monolithic creature we peer into, gain information from, and throw our selfies into like coins in a well? Don’t you ever pause to ponder how this cyberspace of cats, memes, and endless scrolls of social media bickering actually functions? Are there tiny goblins inside?
Lucky for you, I’m here to unravel these mysteries, those ones, and even that one in the corner you're too afraid to talk about. Let us dive headfirst into cyberspace and introduce you to the characters that run the show. First of which being the humblest of them all: the digital pigeon.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: "Huh? Pigeons? I thought we were on the internet, not in some pigeon post system from days of yore!" How adorably off-base you are.
The internet is like a massive flock of pigeons, where each pigeon represents a packet of information. The digital pigeon collects the tiniest piece of your Facebook status rant about improper hedgehog maintenance and sets off. It soars through glittering clouds of Javascript and settles upon the user interface of your Aunt Edna’s iPad—days, if not minutes, before Aunt Edna figures out how to turn on her iPad.
Sure, virtual pigeons seem quaint, but we assure you, without these humble creatures, the internet would be eerily quiet. Like a suburban neighborhood during the halftime of a Football match. No YouTube videos would buffer. No Tweets would trend. You'd be back to reading paper... and by god, that's just silly.
But even pigeons have predators. Enter the very denizens of the internet themselves; Internet Goblins.
Internet Goblins are round, diligent and look a bit like someone crossed a sloth with a scantron test. They exist to service the infrastructure of the internet, mostly by running around data centers, screwing in loose Ethernet cables and shoveling coal into the server boilers (at least that's how I think technology works).
These goblins work tirelessly to keep your browsing experience seamless and also to stop the incriminate release of your search history. Think of them as the magnanimous controllers of your most embarrassing secrets.
They patrol the data highways and byways, checking for broken links, refreshing pages, battling pop-up ads, and flicking switches on and off again for you. You can almost imagine a group of them gathered around the glow of an open server cabinet, using a block of contagiously cheerful animated gifs to roast digital marshmallows. Serendipity, in 2D!
So there you have it, dear netizen. The Gremlins working the levers and gears of your world wide web are not monstrous, nor are they particularly adroit. Instead, they consist of earnest pigeons and downtrodden goblins who toil away at intricate machines to bring the marvel of the internet to your screen.
So the next time your video buffers or a web page takes too long to load, remember, there's a frazzled goblin on his third caffeinated beverage trying to wrangle a wayward, lost digital pigeon. Be patient, send out good vibes, and remember to ceremoniously clear your cookies - the goblins like to munch on them during their breaks.