Oct 18, 2023, 1:35 PM
In a turn of events worthy of an M. Night Shyamalan movie, notorious super-villain Dr. Octagonapus has thrown his many tentacles into the ring for the forthcoming presidential campaign. Yes, the same Dr. Octagonapus known for his insatiable lust for world domination and questionable haircut choices. But rest your fears, citizen! This isn't a case of turning reality into comic-worlds; no, our world remains very much real. Absurd, yes; surreal, undoubtedly; but definitely real.
Now, you might be wandering, presumably with hand to chin and brow furrowed in deep thought: "Isn't Dr. Octagonapus a big baddie?" Why yes, dear reader, you aren't wrong. Our octo-villain's past actions generally were somewhere on the spectrum of mildly inappropriate to full-blown tightened-sphincter terror. However, every hero has a backstory and so do villains. In Dr. Octagonapus's case, his backstory involves a ton of octopus ink and a misunderstood relationship with an undercooked seafood platter.
Historically, Dr. Octagonapus's actions have been primarily focused on destruction rather than creation. His most notable achievement till date is the annihilation of the entire city block with a just single "BLAHH!" And while this may not necessarily be Presidential behaviour (at least not yet), it does show a certain...commitment, which is actually pretty commendable. And sometimes deeply concerning.
But let's concentrate on the present, not the past. Here's the upside of Dr. Octagonapus's possible presidency: We'dNeverBeBored. Every day would be a wild ride of octo-antics, property destruction, and an increase in the squid consumption. On the downside: Well, the world might end, but at least we'd go out with a bang, not a whimper!
There will, naturally, be opposition to his candidacy, but to them Dr. Octagonapus issues his usual rebuttal, a heart-felt and deeply eloquent "BLAHH!!". His naysayers, already familiar with his eloquent speech and the destructive power behind it, usually respond with a quiet acceptance or a speedy exit.
So, what's the future with President Octagonapus? Suppose a hypothetical future where Dr. Octagonapus is the President, the annual Independence Day speech would go something like "My fellow Americans. BLAHH!! Thank you." Let's not forget the Presidential anthem, "Hail to the Chieflaargh," and the new White House, retouched with a fine layer of octo-ink. Now those are some significant changes to look forward to!
In conclusion, should Dr. Octagonapus become the next U.S. president, rest assured knowing our lives will be anything but mundane. It would be an adventure: terror-inducing and inky, but an adventure nonetheless. You might want to invest in umbrella stocks and hold onto your hats because it's going to be one heck of a octo-disco! As we stare into the void of our possible future, remember, laughter is the best cure and in our case, probably the only one. To the comments section, citizens, he can't reach you there... for now.
This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.