Jan 27, 2024, 7:34 PM
E4 is a mess. It's one of those places where dreams go to die or get drenched in Monster Energy drink while chatting up Stardew Valley cosplayers in the lobby. The yearly event has become a minefield for everything from controversial game announcements to overwhelming swag and unfortunate incidents involving cosplayers, inflatable swords, and enthusiastic gaming fanatics.
However, this year, amid all the tumultuous and occasionally tawdry goings-on, there was one announcement that got everyone's attention, making even the most over-caffeinated video gamer lean forward and listen: The revelation of Fallout 5.
The news shattered the convention like a handy mini-nuke. The crowd's reaction was something worthy of slow-motion action scenes in 80s music videos. Grown grown-ups wept openly, fans erected fan-art murals spontaneously, and one brave soul, dressed as a disgruntled Deathclaw, began an interpretive dance routine on the spot that could only be described as deeply moving, or highly disturbing, depending on how many energy drinks one had consumed.
Bethesda, the developers of the legendary game series, revealed that the franchise's latest iteration would transport players to one of America's most unique, vibrant, and alligator-filled cities – New Orleans. Some fans were aghast, struggling to imagine how New Orleans' jazzy charm could integrate with radiated zones, ghouls, and the ever-threatening, omnipresent deathclaws. Others were thrilled. "Imagine a Super Mutant Mardi Gras parade!" one enthused.
The cherry on this frosting of shock was the announced release date: Fallout 5 is landing in our consoles on Friday, the 25th of October 2024. Yes, you read that right, fellow Vault Dwellers, it's due the same year the Cubs are predicted to win the World Series! (New Vegas wasn't wrong about everything, after all.) If that doesn't blow your mind like a laser rifle blasts a feral ghoul, we don't know what will.
But wait, this irradiated gumbo pot gets spicier. As part of the New Orleans experience, fans are expected to encounter a rather unexpected creature known as "Gator Claws". These ghastly critters are a perfect representation of what happens when you mix three parts deathclaw, two parts alligator, a generous splash of Cajun seasoning, and a dab of cosmic horror for good measure. Prototype images are triggering a passionate blend of sheer terror and awe among fans. They're now trending as next year's popular cosplay. Guess we are not in Appalachia anymore!
In response to the thundering approval/healthy fear stirred up by this announcement, Bethesda released a statement explaining, "We wanted to give our fans a new flavor of radroach stew. In the words of the beloved ghoul troubadour, Johnny Guitar, there was never a fan like our Nuka-Cola-loving faithful. We respect the fact that they're able to take on Super Mutants, rebuild societies and still find time to make their settlements breathtakingly attractive. New Orleans seems like the next logical place for them to express their unique brand of creativity and survival instincts. Also, we thought they'd get a kick out of Jazz-playing Super Mutants."
And so, fellow dwellers of the wasteland, let's look forward to this upcoming crucible of jazz, gumbo, and mutant alligator action. Who knows, if we're lucky, we might stumble upon a vault that preserved a stock of Sazerac Rye and French 75 pre-war cocktails. The Wasteland just keeps getting more exciting - or terrifying, depending on your view on Gator Claws.
Don your best armored Mardi Gras masks, tune up that Pip-Boy radio for some smooth jazz, and prepare for the unexpected. We'll see you in the bayou, come this October!
This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.