Emergency crews descended upon the suburban community center yesterday after reports of a "catastrophic limb detachment incident" involving local resident Edward Scissorhands, 47. Witnesses described a scene of "shattered plastic and existential dread" as paramedics loaded the distressed man into an ambulance following his participation in the annual Maple Street Neighborhood Association Cup Stacking Championship.
According to Brenda Kettlewell, 68, who was judging the event, "Edward seemed so determined to win the 'Speed Stack Sprint' category. He kept muttering about 'proving his dexterity' while those terrifying appendages of his whirred like angry dragonflies. Then—pop!—a whole stack of Solo cups just... vanished. Replaced by a fine pink mist and what I think was a participation ribbon."
St. Ambrose Municipal Hospital confirmed Scissorhands was admitted under the pseudonym "Mr. Clipper" for "acute self-inflicted appendage confusion." Dr. Reginald Thorne, Chief of Trauma (Non-Standard Appendages), stated in a press briefing: "Initial scans revealed zero tissue loss. Zero. Nada. The man is the amputation hazard. We're baffled by the 911 call claiming 'he sliced his own hand off trying to catch a falling cup.' Sir, you are the hand. And the slicer. And possibly the cup's worst nightmare." Hospital staff reportedly spent three hours trying to bandage his non-existent wounds with novelty "Band-Aid® Brand Scissorhands Edition" gauze.
Recreational safety experts are now demanding immediate regulation of "blade-handicap adjacent activities." The National Cup Stacking League (NCSL) issued a statement: "While we champion inclusivity, Section 7B of our bylaws explicitly prohibits competitors with 'inherently sharp primary manipulators.' Edward signed the waiver, but frankly, the liability waivers aren't that sharp." NCSL officials were later seen frantically replacing all plastic cups with unbreakable titanium models.
Meanwhile, Scissorhands' neighbor, Kim Boggs, defended him: "He just wanted to feel normal! He practiced stacking with twigs for weeks! The tragedy isn't the cups—it's that he finally got to touch something fragile without destroying it... and it was still a disaster." Boggs added that Edward is now "traumatized, hiding in his gothic mansion, and only communicates via interpretive topiary trimming."
Authorities confirmed no charges will be filed, as "the concept of 'accidental self-amputation' with pre-existing scissor-hands constitutes a logical paradox that makes our heads hurt." The incident has, however, sparked a viral #LetEdwardStack movement, with enthusiasts attempting to design cup-stacking rigs operated solely by foot pedals. Early prototypes reportedly result in severe toe injuries.