Students at elite universities were stunned to learn that the millions of dollars they pay in tuition is going towards "research" - but not the research they were expecting.
According to insider sources, top institutions such as Harvard, Yale, and Stanford have been funneling funds into a new kind of project: creating the world's most perfect sandwich.
Yes, you read that right. Sandwiches.
Apparently, administrators at these esteemed universities believe that by perfecting the sandwich, they can solve a multitude of societal issues, from hunger to economic inequality. And they're not skimping on resources - some sources estimate that these sandwich projects are costing universities upwards of $10 million per year.
So what exactly goes into the world's most expensive sandwich? While each school's recipe is a tightly-guarded secret, insiders have leaked some tantalizing details.
Yale's sandwich features artisanal charcuterie, freshly-baked sourdough bread, and a homemade fig and onion compote. Harvard's boasts a specially-cultivated heirloom tomato, hand-pulled mozzarella, and a drizzle of aged balsamic vinegar. And at Stanford, the star ingredient is a marbled Japanese wagyu beef paired with a house-made truffle mayo.
But it's not just the ingredients that make these sandwiches so groundbreaking. Universities have enlisted some of the world's best chefs, food scientists, and culinary experts to craft the perfect sandwich. Some of the country's most cutting-edge food technology has also been utilized, including 3D printing and molecular gastronomy.
Naturally, students and their families are outraged, feeling deceived by the universities they trusted with their educations. "I didn't take out $200,000 in student loans so they could perfect a sandwich," exclaimed one angry parent.
Despite the backlash, administrators defend the sandwich projects as vital to the advancement of human knowledge. "This isn't just about sandwiches," argued a spokesperson for Harvard. "We're pushing the boundaries of what's possible when it comes to food science, innovation, and sustainability. And who knows - maybe the perfect sandwich will change the world as we know it."
As for the students? Well, they're keeping an open mind - and a full stomach. "Honestly, the sandwiches are pretty good," admitted one Yale student, between bites of charcuterie. "But I still want my money back."
