Elvis Presley emerges from hiding with a New Name: Elvis Parsley

In a plot twist that's gripped the world by its now overly sanitized hands, Elvis Aron Presley, the pelvis gyrating global Legend of Rock-n-Roll, the one we thought had left the building forever, has emerged from a half-century seclusion. Only this time, he's changed his name to Elvis Parsley, claiming to represent a new wave of green and herbaceous rock-n-roll. Yeah, you read that right. Elvis Parsley.

Why parsley, you ask? Well, we did too. In an exclusive interview, Elvis Parsley mentioned a newfound love for...you've guessed it...parsley! He fondly reminisces rolling in oodles of parsley during his time away in a fenced kitchen garden, where he was fondly gardening his way to obscurity. As it turns out, the herb's share-assets-share-theme-lyrical resemblance to his own name played a significant role in his reincarnation.

But it wasn't all fun and games in the Parsley Garden of Eden. Elvis Parsley has also taken the time to perfect a new kind of music. It fuses the classic rock-n-roll we love him for with other, erm...garnishing sounds. According to Elvis Parsley, these herb-infused tunes are aimed to make people healthier by encouraging them to include more plants in their diets. All while they dance their calorie counts asunder. Alarming yet innovative!

Elvis Parsley's emergence has sent ripples through the music and the culinary world, which have now bizarrely merged into a new industry that insiders are referring to as Cuisical. It's an industry filled with folks who, prior to this, were rocking around the Christmas tree or were busy keeping the rat(outouille) in the kitchen underground. Now they're doing both- to the tunes of Elvis Parsley.

Okay now let's take a breath, and chew on this for a minute. This concoction of cuisical delight seemed as outlandish as a pineapple on a pizza until we saw the master parsley performer's - or should I say Parformer's first live act. Every 'Parformance' sees Elvis Parsley take the stage, shaking his green-dyed hair and strumming on a guitar shaped like a giant celery stalk, crooning out chart-topping hits like "Heartburr Break Hotel" and "Hound(dog)out."

What started out as a name change quickly turned into a cultural revolution. Cafes across the globe have been offering discounts to Elvis Parsley impersonators, and supermarkets report a 784% surge in parsley sales. We'll just throw in a random high number; it's not like anyone will cross-check facts in a satire piece.

So, remember the times when parsley was an unwanted sprig left untouched on your plate at fancy restaurants? Worry no more! Now you can scoop it up, stuff it in your mouth, and strut down your local streets, all while belting out "Jailhouse (basil and cherry tomato) Rock."

Concluding, we can’t forget that Elvis Parsley’s story is a stark reminder that not all heroes wear capes. They sometimes carry sprigs of parsley, have weird quirky names, and re-emerge to make us giggle while gyrating to rock-n-roll beats, which now come with a touch of herbaceous and aromatic lure. Whether they swoop in to save damsels in distress or encourage a healthier lifestyle with their green-themed performances, these are the superheroes our world needs. Not to mention, their stories make for absolutely knee-slapping news articles. Bravo, Elvis Parsley! You really are a hunk(a hunk) of burning...parsley?