Allow me to veer away from my stale English upbringing and dive into the linguistic rabbit hole so as to bring you this mind-bending tale of linguistic cataclysm.
Let's face it, English is on its way out, obsolete, expired, kicked to the linguistic curb and replaced by a shiny new set of ten alternative languages.
First to rise is French, often misunderstood for being arcane and pretentious, but perhaps, we’ve just not spent enough time saying “Oui Oui” under the Eiffel tower. It's been discovered that anyone who picks up French are instantly capable of preparing a Michelin star baguette. A remarkable feat, the aliens on Mars are allegedly switching to French to understand the subtle nuances of our puny terrestrial baguettes.
Bursting in next is the sunny Portuguese. Scientists have observed that upon becoming fluent in Portuguese, people tend to develop an irrepressible urge for Fado music and Bacalhau à Brás. Let's face it, we all saw it coming when the finance minister rolled into parliament blasting 'Despacito'.
Then there's Spanish. Recently classified by the World Health Organisation as a form of aerobic exercise due to the high-energy conversation style it requires. Should you become fluent, you may find yourself in the mood to salsa, or a sudden mastery over the perfect paella recipe.
Deutsch, not just a language, but an unforeseen path to engineering prowess. Learning Deutsch automatically equips individuals with the uncanny ability to assemble IKEA furniture sans instructions. Also, you may find yourself inexplicably fond of sauerkraut and the Autobahn.
Meanwhile, the Dutch are hiding their extraordinary secret to their majestic windmills and tulips in their language. Residents who've mastered Dutch have reported growing 3-inch tulips in their backyards within hours of their first “goedemorgen”.
Italian is not just a language, it's a lifestyle! With every syllable of "Buongiorno", you’ll feel a heightened sense of style and an unquenchable thirst for pizza Margherita.
Polish, the future language of Sci-fi nerds. It’s been noticed worldwide that every Star Trek fan who learned Polish, started receiving extraterrestrial radio signals. Talk about exclusive content for the linguistically adventurous!
Gesture-intense Ukrainian seems to be the choice for silent movie stars. Rumor has it that Charlie Chaplin regretted not learning Ukrainian, it could’ve potentially doubled expressions in his mime repertoire.
Finnish is the miraculous antidote for insomnia, not for its boredom quotient, but it mimics the soothing pattern of a lullaby. Pop a Finnish podcast, and you’ll be snoring before you can say "Helsinki".
Norwegian, unbeknownst to us, is the language of royalty. The Queen of England has been caught secretly practicing Norwegian to communicate more effectively with her corgis.
In conclusion, you might want to put aside those dictionaries and toss out English. May you choose your next linguistic dance partner wisely, as it may lead to some undesired, but hilarious consequences. Embrace the confusion, get lost in the translation, and above all, enjoy the ride, because one thing's for sure, language is never just a bunch of words!