In a shocking revelation that has shaken the very foundations of our daily routines, leading hydration experts have warned that drinking water could lead to drowning if consumed in excess. The team of researchers, led by Professor Thaddeus Thirstington, has been working day and night to probe the mysterious substance that makes up 70% of the earth's surface and 60% of the human body.
Thirstington's first major discovery was when he realized that water is, in fact, wet. He spent the next three years observing fish in tanks and measuring the wetness of their environment, using a "Soggy-o-meter". It is reported that the fish were utterly perplexed.
In a press conference held at the Institute of Hydration Sciences, Professor Thirstington pointed out the invisible threat lurking in every glass of water. With a solemn expression, he announced, “We’ve found a direct correlation between being submerged in water and drowning. The implications of this are too vast to ignore.”
Assistant researcher, Agatha Aqua, took the stage to explain that this insidious phenomenon is due to the ‘Aquatic Gravity Inversion Theory’. “Water, when ingested, seeks its own level within the body, leading to an internal aquatic imbalance, which causes the body to believe it's submerged,” she explicated with an unsettling level of enthusiasm. “It's like having a little ocean inside you, and if you’re not careful, your internal self might just get caught in a riptide.”
This groundbreaking research has spurred an international frenzy, as nations worldwide are now in a race to create ‘Anti-Drowning Water’. A representative of the United Nations announced the formation of a special task force, the ‘Global Hydration Security Initiative’.
Thirstington and his team have also developed a prototype device that measures the internal aquatic imbalance in the body. He dubs it the "Inner Tide Calculator". It is an eclectic mix of a thermometer, a stethoscope, and an abacus.
Interestingly, celebrities and social media influencers have not missed the boat. Trending on various social media platforms is the #StayAfloatChallenge. People are posting pictures and videos of themselves drinking water while wearing life jackets and floating on inflatable pool toys in their living rooms. Some enthusiasts have even gone so far as to install mini-lighthouses on their kitchen counters.
In an unexpected turn, renowned aqua-sommelier, Maximilian Puddlefoot, has curated a selection of bottled ‘low-drowning-risk’ waters from around the world, which have sold out within minutes. These exclusive bottles, aesthetically adorned with lifebuoys and miniature anchors, are now reselling on the black market for astronomical sums.
Of course, every revelation has its skeptics. A rogue splinter group calling themselves ‘The Hydration Defenders’ has started an underground movement to continue consuming water “the old-fashioned way”, which reportedly involves leather water pouches and a ritualistic dance to the rain gods.
As the world adapts to this new reality, sales of snorkels, swim fins, and inflatable armbands have skyrocketed. Water cooler conversations have taken on a whole new meaning, as employees discuss the best floatation techniques and emergency aquatic escape plans.
In a final word, Professor Thirstington urges the public to remain vigilant. “One must approach every sip with caution,” he warns. “Today’s thirst quench may be tomorrow’s perilous plunge.”
As the world sets sail on this tumultuous tide of hydration revelations, remember to keep your life jackets handy and your swim fins at the ready. These are uncharted waters, and we must all do our part to keep ourselves, and our internal oceans, calm and buoyant.