🚨🥔👑

🥔👑 declared himself Supreme Spud Sovereign at 3AM after absorbing moonlight through a forgotten sack in Dave’s pantry. 👨‍💼➡️🐖 immediately resigned as Agriculture Secretary, citing "unbearable tuber-based charisma." Citizens report mandatory fry-dance rituals at dawn while 👩‍🌾😭 bury seed potatoes wearing tiny crowns. 💰🥔 now trades higher than gold on Wall Street after investors realized coins are just flat potatoes. "He speaks in rustling," whispered a trembling cashier holding a receipt that reads "1 BAG ROYALTY - $999.99." 👨‍🍳🔥 attempted rebellion by boiling a royal cousin but palace guards (aggressive salad forks) intervened. Experts confirm: 👨‍🔬🧫 studying potato DNA found it 99% meme, 1% existential dread.

smug potato wearing jeweled crown sitting on french fry throne, crying farmer in background holding tiny shovel, dramatic sunset

🥔👑’s first decree mandates all mirrors reflect only potato-based futures. 👩‍🦰➡️🥔 already trending on TikTok as influencers glue eyes to russets. 💍🥔 proposed marriage to Idaho, causing diplomatic crisis with sweet potato lobbyists who arrived armed with marshmallows. 👨‍🚒 arrived to extinguish "spud-related panic" but got stuck in mashed potato quicksand outside City Hall. "This isn’t a phase, Mom," texted teens now exclusively communicating via emoji hieroglyphs. 🌍🥔📈 shows global potato reserves at critical levels as nations hoard for coronation feasts. Weather forecast: 100% chance of gravy showers.

potato king waving from balcony made of potato chips, crowd of potato-costumed humans below holding 'Fry Hard' signs, cloudy sky

Economists warn 💸🥔 inflation could collapse economies when citizens realize they’ve been paid in actual potatoes. "My wallet’s sprouting eyes," sobbed a banker clutching tuber-stuffed briefcase. Meanwhile, 👨‍🦯🐾 guide dogs now sniff for royal tubers instead of obstacles. Final update: 🌕🥔 announced moon is "just a giant rejected spud" and demands extradition. Stay vigilant. Stay starchy. 🥔✊🌍