Federal Funds Rate Hiked: But Are We Blaming the Pill and Not The Player?

Sep 19, 2023, 10:50 PM

In an unexpected twist of fate, the Federal Open Market Committee (FOMC) has decided to hike up the federal funds rate. The round table of dry-witted economists and central bankers behind this decision threw the financial world into a tizzy with their revelation that the inflationary issues plaguing the economy could be traced back to the steady diet of iconic blue pills fed to U.S government.

Following years of believing that the great cause of our economy’s ups and downs lay in things like fiscal policy, capital markets, and the price of an avocado toast on a Sunday brunch menu, the mavericks at the FOMC have successfully diverted attention towards our government’s peculiar fondness for the electric blue pill.

These folks insist that it's not the handsome high-rollers with icy glares and power suits manipulating humdrum market indices that are responsible for the rising inflation. Oh, no. With a stack of uncrustd sandwich metaphors, they laid the blame squarely on the glossy coating of the popular 'blue pill'.

See, it all started when Uncle Sam tossed back his first magic blue pill to boost his economic health, 'Endless-Growthitis'. The effects were, in short, fantastic. Unemployment dropped, stock markets boomed, freckles cleared up, and bald eagles learnt to play the banjo overnight. But today, the FOMC insists that the government has been hitting the little jar of serotonin-boosters too much, too often, causing an inflationary reaction not too different from the farmer who planted too many zucchini and was subsequently buried in an avalanche of watery squash.

So, what's next for our blue-pill-chasing government? Well, according to the FOMC, it's time for a detox. A bit like dialing back our addiction to cat videos or the ubiquity of avocado in every darn dish out there, the economic body in charge suggests pulling back on the throttle of the blue pills, even if it means coping with a financial migraine or two. In other words, it's time to consider fiscal sobriety over hitting the economic Jack Daniels.

As for the rest of us, it seems all we can do is wait, watch, and wonder if Uncle Sam can control his craving for the cobalt-colored cure-all. As we cross our fingers and hope no financial zucchinis fall out of the sky, let's hope that our economic health doesn't become the punchline of a unfunny joke. Here's hoping we can blame the pill and not the players.

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.