Flag on the Plate! Coaches Accused of Unsportsmanlike Condiment Use

Jan 9, 2024, 3:18 AM

In a move that's left sports enthusiasts scratching their heads in disbelief and horror, college football coaches have been exposed in an ESPN commercial indulging in a scandalous table manners violation - eating their steaks with ketchup! This dining debacle has left football fans more heated than at a disputed end-zone call, leading them to demand an official review of not only the game, but also the dinner table.

A sports phenomenon usually plagued with controversies such as doping, bribery, and deflated footballs, NCAA football now faces perhaps its most existential crisis yet: improper condiment use. Because, as any self-respecting carnivore knows, putting ketchup on steaks is about as barbaric as eating hotdogs without the bun.

Sports bars across the nation have reported numerous incidents of patrons choking on their beer in disbelief as they witnessed this culinary travesty on-screen. Even grizzled sports veterans who've seen it all—disgraced athletes, questionable calls, questionable pants—were taken aback by this unsportsmanlike condiment abuse.

"I mean, we're talking about steak, not a fry. This is just unacceptable!" ranted Bo, a longtime sports enthusiast and professional tailgater. Some fans even called for a penalty flag on the dinner plate, stating that the use of ketchup was a clear infraction of the 'flavor foul' rule.

However, not everyone sees a nutrition penalty in these coaches' choice of condiment. Dr. Ishtew Sauceberg, a renowned condimentologist at the Mayo Institute, suggests that steak's traditional pairings with ketchup may offer some benefits. "While it's true that ketchup contains a fair amount of sugar, it also has lycopene, a powerful antioxidant," said Dr. Sauceberg. "And let's face it, anything is better than those folks who slather their steaks in blue cheese or chocolate sauce!

The uproar has made its way into the locker rooms, too. Several players on the 'Dijon State' team have voiced their concern, fearing that their coach's condiment choice will alienate them from the food-conscious blogging community. Meanwhile, rival teams like the Worcester Polytechnic Mustards are getting a good laugh, seeing an opportunity to grill their opponents even before they hit the field.

Across social media channels, hashtags like #KetchupGate, #SteakFoul and #CondimentCrisis are gathering momentum. The Twitterverse has been inundated with memes featuring tearful steaks and coaches with ketchup bottles photo-shopped into their hands. Some bewildered fans even suggested mandatory condiment training courses for the coaches.

As of press time, we have received no official statement from the NCAA, ESPN or the implicated coaches. Some conspiracy theorists suggest that the whole debacle might actually be a dubious marketing ploy orchestrated by Big Condiment. It seems that until a proper investigation is launched, the fans will continue to stew over this meaty matter! After all, in football, it isn't over until the ketchup bottle squirts.

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.