Flights Dropped to Zero Overnight: Exclusive Interview with Confused Airline CEOs

Sep 1, 2023, 11:38 PM

In a twist of actions decidedly murkier than a diet protein shake, people around the globe have suddenly discovered personal flight abilities. This extremely bewildering — though admittedly awe-inspiring — development has airline magnates collectively squawking like turkeys about to be pardoned by the President.

Imagine, if you will, the scene. Bob Suit-and-Tie walks into his office on a typical Monday morning, coffee in one hand, the other clutching a briefcase full of seemingly important documents. He is utterly unaware that today, gravity has called in sick and the rules have gone for a toss. And before he knows it, mid-sip on his Tall Caramel Macchiato, Bob's feet lose touch with the ground and suddenly, he’s floating. He needs no more proof of the desperate need for the world to get grounded, quite literally.

Frantically adjusting to the new world order, we sat down (or rather, floated sideways around the room trying to aim at a chair) with Jim Jetsetter, CEO of Conventional Aviation Enterprises, for a candid 'interview on the fly'. Jim's usual enthusiasm was adjoined by an overwhelming sense of confusion as he spent half his time dodging the various office paraphernalia fluttering about, making it more reminiscent of a high-speed chase than an interview.

When asked if this unexpected power of personal flight boded ill for the airline industry, Jetsetter, while expertly ducking a rogue flying scissors, made an effort to appear unbothered.

"I think it's premature to label this as a crisis,” he replied. “I believe our customers' loyalty runs deeper than this... this... unexpected..." (here, he gracefully swerved to avoid a spinning globe) "...eventually, once this novelty subsides, everyone will be back on our flights, appreciating the complimentary peanuts and soothing engine hum," he said.

Frankly, it was evident that Jetsetter, and indeed the entire airline industry, was trapped in la-la land - perhaps due to lack of oxygen at the high altitudes they were now involuntarily scaling. After all, why would anyone willingly exchange hourly delays and lost baggage for a direct, self-propelled flight to their destinations?

Ladies and Gentleman, on a joyously absurd note, it seems we've been granted wings without the constraints of a cramped airliner or bothersome seatbelts - and we're learning to fly, light as a feather. And this, it seems, has dealt more crueller blow to the airline industry than any long-running labor dispute, oil price hike, or natural disaster.

One thing is clear - whether we eventually return to the drab, earthbound mode of air transport or continue to embrace this newfound ability, it’s going to be a floating thrill-ride worth watching. Till then, we suggest grabbing your capes, setting your out of office, and joining us in the open skies. Get ready for the new dawn, where humans have unfurled their wings and are soaring towards freedom. Let the absurdity unravel. After all, humanity has seemingly taken its biggest evolutionary leap since the invention of the wheel…and it sure as heck did not require a boarding pass.

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.