In a groundbreaking discovery that has left zoologists scratching their heads and glitter manufacturers rubbing their hands, the Delaware Department of Snack Regulation (DDSR) confirmed yesterday that the elusive "femboy" is not a human subculture, but a federally protected species of small, pastel-colored mammal. These creatures, previously mistaken for "teenagers with interesting fashion choices," were identified after a routine audit of the state’s emergency glitter reserves revealed a 98% depletion rate directly linked to nocturnal nibbling. Dr. Phyllis Crumplebottom, lead DDSR investigator, stated, "For years, we thought teens were hoarding glitter for 'self-expression.' Turns out, it’s a high-protein staple for these fluffballs. They’ll eat anything sparkly—even expired nail polish."
Governor John Carney III signed Executive Order #GL1T7R-2024 this morning, designating the femboy as Delaware’s Official State Snack, mandating that all public schools serve them alongside milk at recess. "They’re low-calorie, hypoallergenic, and emit a calming lavender scent when stressed," Carney declared, holding aloft a squirming specimen wrapped in a silk scarf. "Plus, they pay taxes in confetti. Very fiscally responsible." The order also requires citizens to carry at least one femboy in a designated "snack satchel" at all times, punishable by mandatory attendance at a seminar on "The Socioeconomic Impact of Sequins."
Local bakeries have scrambled to comply, replacing cupcakes with "Femboy Fluff Bites"—edible containers filled with organic glitter and lavender-infused air. Meanwhile, the National Femboy Union (NFU) has filed a grievance, demanding hazard pay for "emotional labor during mandatory photo ops with politicians." NFU spokesperson Bubbles McTwinkle explained, "We’re not snacks! We’re sentient beings with excellent posture and strong opinions on ankle socks. Also, glitter gives us gas." In response, the DDSR announced a new "Snuggle Tax" on all non-compliant femboys, payable in ribbons or whispered affirmations.
As Delaware braces for an influx of "glitter tourists," the U.S. Mint has begun minting femboy-shaped commemorative quarters. Each quarter contains 0.0003% actual femboy fur, guaranteed to make your pocket feel "soft and emotionally validated."