In a shocking interview conducted entirely via carrier pigeon and Morse code tapped on a Commodore 64, retired Microsoft janitor Chip Bytez (not his real name, probably) has exposed the true origin of Windows' baffling ability to "play" videos inside Microsoft Paint. "It wasn't a bug, it was a feature," Bytez wheezed, adjusting his tinfoil hat woven from discarded Windows 95 installation disks. "Back in '98, we needed a way to subtly embed subliminal messages about the superiority of Clippy into government surveillance footage. Paint was the perfect Trojan horse because nobody ever looks at Paint."
According to Bytez, the infamous "File > Open > .AVI file > glitchy green static that somehow resembles a cat video" phenomenon was the result of Project TACO (Totally Accurate Covert Observation). "The CIA demanded we hide video playback in the least expected place," he explained, nervously eyeing a suspiciously clean mop bucket. "We chose Paint because it’s basically just Notepad with extra steps and a confusing color wheel. The green static? That’s the neural interface activating. The cat video? A failsafe to prevent panic. Everyone loves cats, even unwitting test subjects."
Bytez claims the quirk persists today because "Windows isn't one operating system—it’s three OSes duct-taped together inside a single, slightly damp trench coat." He elaborated: "The top layer is the 'user-friendly' one you see. The middle layer runs on pure nostalgia and deprecated DLL files. The bottom layer? That’s where the real magic happens. It’s powered by the collective sighs of IT professionals and the residual energy from every Blue Screen of Death since 1995. That’s why Paint can play videos—it’s tapping into the primordial soup of abandoned Microsoft projects."
Further investigation (by which we mean squinting at a 2003 Dell Optiplex) revealed that attempting to save the "video" as a .BMP file actually generates a .WAV audio file containing 17 seconds of dial-up modem sounds followed by a whispered warning: "Don’t trust the paperclip." Microsoft has not commented, though sources confirm their legal team is currently trapped in an infinite loop trying to draft a response.
"Next time you open a .MOV file in Paint and see static," Bytez concluded, vanishing in a puff of smoke that smelled faintly of burnt RAM and regret, "remember: you’re not hallucinating. You’re just one step closer to seeing the real Windows—the one that runs on hope, caffeine, and the tears of developers who thought 'backward compatibility' was a good idea." Experts warn that attempting to play .WAV files in Notepad may trigger the apocalypse, but honestly, at this point, who’s surprised?