In a stunning corporate implosion that has rocked the Outer Rim wellness industry, Sith Lord Darth Plagueis the Wise’s ambitious biotech venture, Midichlorian Microdousing™, has shuttered abruptly following revelations of catastrophic operational mismanagement and a shocking betrayal by his former intern. Insiders claim Plagueis, 472 (but "looks 300 in a good light"), spent decades perfecting a proprietary technique to "cheat death" via concentrated midi-chlorian smoothies, only to have his entire life’s work derailed by a disgruntled apprentice over a disputed equity stake in the company Slack channel.
According to leaked Holonet memos, Plagueis’ core innovation—marketed as "The Plagueis Protocol: Because Dying is So Last Millennium"—involved whispering aggressively into petri dishes while administering midi-chlorian IV drips to test subjects. Early trials reportedly showed "promising results" (one subject survived a minor paper cut for 12 hours) before collapsing into chaos. "He kept insisting midi-chlorians responded better to dramatic monologues than scientific controls," lamented former lab tech R2-D3, who requested anonymity due to "ongoing existential dread." "We told him the placebo effect wasn’t ‘the dark side manifesting,’ but he called us ‘weak-minded moisture farmers’ and docked our credits."
The downfall began when Plagueis’ apprentice, identified only as "Darth Sidious (Intern, Unpaid)," allegedly discovered the CEO had quietly diluted the midi-chlorian serum with generic swamp water to cut costs. Sidious, sources say, confronted Plagueis during a mandatory "Force-Bonding" team retreat on Mustafar, demanding 49% equity and a corner office with lava views. When Plagueis refused—citing "Sith tradition" and "not wanting to share the last blue milk latte"—Sidious allegedly force-choked him during a particularly tense stand-up meeting. "He just snapped mid-sprint review," whispered a hooded conference attendee. "Kept yelling about ‘lack of vision’ and ‘failing to pivot.’ Classic startup drama."
Galactic Business Journal reports Plagueis’ fatal error wasn’t his midi-chlorian hustle—it was ignoring basic HR protocols. "He never signed Sidious’ W-9 form," explained labor mediator C-3PO. "No non-compete, no intellectual property clause... just a blood oath scribbled on a napkin from Dex’s Diner. In this economy? Unforgivable." The collapse has left 12 test subjects permanently stuck in "semi-alive" states, including one who now only communicates via interpretive dance about existential voids.
As the dust settles, Sidious has already rebranded the failed venture as Palpatine BioSolutions™, promising "death defiance via aggressive tax loopholes." Meanwhile, Plagueis’ legacy lives on in the form of viral TikTok challenges (#PlagueisProtocol) where influencers attempt to "save small animals from death" by aggressively whispering into their water bowls. Experts warn: "It’s not the midi-chlorians. It’s just the placebo effect. And possibly rabies." The tragedy, it seems, was never about saving lives—it was about failing to read the room during a merger. Or, as Sidious reportedly texted moments after the incident: "u die cuz u wouldn’t share the equity. L + ratio + no midichlorian smoothie for u."