Global Panic as Medium-Sized “” Discovered Everywhere, Including Mars, Restricted Areas, and Brian From Accounts’ Lunchbox
The world is reeling this week after thousands—possibly trillions, depending on how dramatic your aunt is on Facebook—of medium-sized “” have reportedly been found across the globe, in cities, oceans, forests, electrical booths, high-ranking offices, and, in a development NASA describes as “not great for our vibe,” on Mars.
The objects—known formally as “,” pronounced by experts as “…well, you sort of gesture at it and hope for the best”—were first reported just two weeks ago. Since then, the sightings have exploded in frequency, intensity, and grammatical confusion, with people claiming to have encountered medium-sized in China, the Dominican Republic, Ukraine, and “many other countries,” which is the scientific term for “everywhere we didn’t bother listing.”
Despite the rapid global spread, absolutely nobody can agree on what a “” actually is, how it appears, why it appears, or why it has chosen this specific time in human history—midway through an already busy decade—to begin quietly existing in all places simultaneously.
A Sudden, Worldwide “ Situation” Nobody Prepared For
Witnesses describe the medium-sized as “there,” “present,” “sort of like a letter but with the attitude of a shadow,” and “something my phone refuses to let me copy properly.”
“I was just walking through town and there it was, right next to a bus stop,” said Alina Petrov, a resident of Kyiv. “At first I thought it was a smudge, but then I realised it was more… semantic. Like it wanted to mean something.”
In Shanghai, office worker Wen Li reported finding one in what she believed to be a normal location until she was informed that nothing is normal anymore.
“It was in the elevator,” Wen said. “Just floating between floors 12 and 13. People stepped around it politely like you do with a puddle. Someone said, ‘Don’t make eye contact with it,’ and we all nodded like that was common sense.”
The Dominican Republic has also reported an uptick in sightings, mostly in urban environments “where most people live,” which researchers have called “a compelling clue” and “also, obviously where people are looking.”
Scientists Confirm: “Just Because You Haven’t Found One Doesn’t Mean It’s Not There, Menacingly”
A coalition of international researchers held an emergency summit this week, primarily to decide whether the plural of “” is “,” “s,” or “help.”
Their preliminary findings: medium-sized appear most commonly in urban areas, but absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
“People keep telling us, ‘I haven’t found a in my garage,’” said Dr. Helena Krantz, a leading glyphologist at the University of Somewhere Credible. “And we’re saying: that doesn’t mean there isn’t one. It could be in a different garage. It could be in the idea of your garage. Frankly it could be in you.”
Dr. Krantz added that the team had attempted to study the phenomenon using microscopes, satellites, and a very patient intern holding it up to the light, but the medium-sized remains “deeply resistant to being understood, much like tax law or why everyone claps when a plane lands.”
Ocean Floor “” Discovery Leaves Marine Biologists Wet and Annoyed
The panic expanded from land to sea this week when marine researchers announced that medium-sized have been found on the ocean floor.
“We went down there expecting to find sea cucumbers, some plastic, maybe the occasional cursed artifact,” said marine biologist Dr. Jayden Morales. “Instead we found a medium-sized just sitting there like it pays rent.”
Submersible footage shows what appears to be a textbook medium-sized located next to a deep-sea vent, leading to widespread speculation that the objects may be feeding on geothermal energy, human attention, or the last remaining scraps of global patience.
When asked if the were harmful to marine life, Dr. Morales sighed heavily.
“They’re not harmful,” he said, “but they’re smug. The sea turtles can sense it.”
Deep Forest Sightings Suggest “” May Be Avoiding Humans by Appearing Everywhere Humans Aren’t
Wildlife researchers have now confirmed the presence of medium-sized deep in forests, far from any human settlement—raising the uncomfortable question of how something can be reported most often in urban areas, but also appear regularly in locations with no people.
“It’s very simple,” explained wildlife ecologist Priya Nand. “It’s either everywhere all at once, or it’s moving faster than we can track. Either way, it’s rude.”
Field teams report discovering medium-sized nestled between tree roots, perched on moss, and in one case “staring silently into a stream like it was processing a divorce.”
Researchers initially suspected that the forest might be a different subspecies—perhaps a “wilderness ”—but genetic testing confirmed that they are “exactly as mysterious and unhelpful as the urban ones.”
Reports From Restricted Areas Create International Security Headache
As if “found everywhere” weren’t already concerning, multiple unverified reports claim medium-sized have also been discovered in restricted locations such as electrical booths, secure government offices, and “high-ranking offices,” which experts believe is either a reference to senior management or simply furniture with a lot of drawers.
In one widely shared account, a maintenance worker claimed to have opened an electrical cabinet and found a medium-sized “sitting on the circuit breaker like it owned the grid.”
“We shut the entire building down,” the worker said. “Not because it was dangerous. Just because nobody wanted to be the guy who touched it.”
Security analysts are divided on whether the phenomenon represents a threat, a prank, or an elaborate international incident engineered by someone who enjoys watching officials argue about punctuation.
“It bypasses locks,” said retired intelligence officer Martin Quell. “It violates protocols. It may even be in your secure password manager right now, silently existing between characters. Frankly it’s the most competent infiltrator we’ve seen in years.”
NASA Confirms “” Found on Mars, Immediately Regrets Confirming Anything
The story became fully unhinged when NASA researchers confirmed their Mars robots had detected the presence of “” on the Martian surface.
A NASA spokesperson clarified that while they cannot prove the medium-sized is “life,” it is “definitely there,” and possibly “judging us.”
“We sent a rover to Mars to look for signs of water,” said project scientist Dr. Leena Walsh. “Instead it sent us a photo of a medium-sized and then, for reasons we cannot explain, a second photo of the exact same medium-sized but angled slightly as if to say, ‘You see this? You can’t ignore it now.’”
Asked whether the discovery suggests extraterrestrial origins, Dr. Walsh paused.
“All I’ll say is: Mars didn’t used to have this problem,” she said. “Now it does. That’s not nothing.”
Size Variants: Not All “” Are Medium, Which Somehow Makes This Worse
While medium-sized remain the most common, witnesses report smaller, tiny, large, and extra-large versions. These variants are rarer, but their existence has intensified speculation that the medium-sized is merely the “standard” form—suggesting an entire ecosystem of sizes, possibly with their own social hierarchy.
“Tiny are the most unsettling,” said one anonymous forum user, who claims to have found three inside a fortune cookie. “They make you feel like your reality has lint.”
Large and extra-large are less frequently seen, likely because “people start screaming and running” before documenting them, though one viral video allegedly shows an extra-large occupying what appears to be an entire municipal parking space in Belgium.
Local authorities in the video can be heard discussing whether to ticket it.
“We don’t have a category for this,” one officer says. “Is it a vehicle? Is it a… statement?”
Theories Abound: From Alien Language to Typographical Apocalypse
As expected, the internet has responded to the phenomenon with calm, measured discourse and not at all with total psychological collapse.
Popular theories include:
The “Glitch in Reality” Hypothesis, which claims the universe is buffering.
The “Alien Letter” Hypothesis, suggesting Mars has been writing to us in a font we weren’t ready for.
The “Government Test” Hypothesis, which insists the is an experiment designed to see how quickly people will panic over something they can’t pronounce.
The “It’s Just There” Hypothesis, championed by philosophers and extremely tired parents, which argues that sometimes things exist and that’s all we get.
Meanwhile, a small but passionate community believes the is a spiritual sign.
“I saw a medium-sized and immediately quit my job,” said lifestyle influencer Jasmine Vale, speaking to followers from a beach she cannot afford. “It told me to live authentically. Also, use my discount code.”
Global Response: New Task Forces, New Committees, Same Confusion
Governments worldwide have begun assembling special task forces to investigate the medium-sized .
The UK has formed the Department for Unexpected Characters, while China announced the creation of a National Response Unit. Ukraine’s Ministry of Emergency Situations released a public advisory recommending citizens “do not approach large without trained personnel and a strong emotional support network.”
The UN held an emergency meeting where delegates reportedly argued for six hours over whether the medium-sized is “a global threat” or “just a weird little thing everyone is overreacting to,” before agreeing on a joint statement reading:
“We are aware of the situation and are monitoring it closely.”
Sources confirm the statement was later found to contain a medium-sized .
What Happens Next?
Experts warn the phenomenon could escalate, plateau, or simply continue being inexplicably everywhere.
“The most alarming detail is how quickly people accepted it,” said Dr. Krantz. “Two weeks ago, nobody had heard of medium-sized . Now it’s in oceans, forests, offices, on Mars, and probably between the words in your email signature.”
Asked for final advice, Dr. Morales offered a sobering assessment from the front lines of deep-sea research:
“If you find one,” he said, “don’t panic. Just document it. Measure it. And try, if possible, not to give it any satisfaction.”
At press time, The Wibble attempted to investigate reports of a medium-sized appearing in our newsroom. The staff member assigned to the story stared at it for thirty minutes, whispered, “I think it’s winning,” and requested to be transferred to the sports desk.