GOP Launches ‘Hotter Than Trump’ Chili Cook-Off Amid Wildfires; ‘Tears of Libs’ Secret Ingredient

As wildfires continue to scorch the American West, Republican leaders have pivoted from climate debates to culinary combat with their inaugural “Hotter Than Trump” chili cook-off. Held in a parking lot downwind of a Montana blaze, the event promised “patriotic perspiration” and a secret ingredient rumored to be harvested from progressive pundits’ eye sockets.

“We’re not saying climate change is real, but if it were, we’d want our chili to reflect that fiery American spirit,” said event organizer Buck McSizzle, adjusting his “Make Chili Great Again” hat. Contestants were required to sign affidavits swearing their recipes contained “zero kale” and at least “three types of meat Jesus would grill.”

The star attraction? A cauldron labeled “Tears of Libs,” which sources confirm is just Himalayan saltwater with a dash of MSNBC viewer tweets. “Every spoonful cancels a student loan,” joked one attendee, ladling it into a batch shaped like Donald Trump’s head.

Judging criteria included “spiciness, saltiness, and ability to melt a snowflake.” The winning entry, MAGA Inferno, reportedly left three judges requiring milk IVs and one reciting the Pledge of Allegiance backward. Runner-up DeSantis Death Grip was disqualified after judges realized its “smoky flavor” came from actual wildfire embers caught in a folding chair.

Environmentalists criticized the event as “tone-deaf,” prompting organizers to respond by deep-frying a Greta Thunberg poster and serving it with ranch. “This isn’t about politics,” insisted McSizzle. “It’s about honoring our forefathers, who definitely ate chili while founding America.”

Plans are already underway for next year’s theme: Border Wall Burritos – No Beans, No Amnesty.