Government Finally Admits: Identified Nonflying Objects Are Real!

In a ground-breaking report that has stunned the scientific, intelligence, and conspiracy-theory communities alike, our dependable bureaucracy, known for their sportive approach to transparency, has acknowledged an alarming presence in our milieu. Identified Nonflying Objects (INOs), a reality we've lived with but have been completely oblivious of, are, as it turns out, shockingly real. And, by the sheer will of semantics and existential crisis, they are everywhere!

If you're asking yourself, "What, in the ever-expanding multiverse, is an INO?" Well, dear reader, you are not alone. The community of people aware of their existence, was, until today, approximately the same as the community of people who believe that the moon landing was directed by Steven Spielberg.

The government, in an exceptionally detailed five-thousand-page report, described INOs as any objects, animate or inanimate, which are identified and have a stark lack of ability to achieve sustained flight. Yes, you heard that right. Your pair of socks is an INO. Your neighbor's cat that stares at you through the window is an INO. Your ex is an INO too!

When asked to comment, Marcia Grambly, the spokesperson for the Government INO Task Force, earnestly stated, "We have been monitoring the INO situation for years. Frankly, we were shocked by how many there were and are increasing day by day! We are considering setting up a hotline where citizens can report new INOs."

This year has seen a surge of INO-related incidents across all 50 states. In Michigan, a cactus was identified hence becoming a certified INO, causing local authorities a whole week of paperwork to formally recognize it. In another riveting case in Florida, a man watched in horror as his sandwich suddenly achieved flight after a bread slice slipped out, causing a temporary anti-INO situation.

The hilarity aside, there is a growing concern among some part of the population about how the government will handle this new-found omnipresence of INOs. As one disgruntled citizen confessed, "I'm not too worried about UFOs anymore; they are rare. But these INOs? They're everywhere! Who will protect us from this alien invasion of the non-flying kind!?"

In response to these stirring revelations, leading physicists have united to form PANO (Physicists Against Nonflying Objects). Remarkably, each physicist in PANO is, in fact, an INO too, thereby making this endeavor uniquely contentious. No word yet on the existential crises that may result.

As we wait for a response from the bureaucratic powers on a comprehensive plan to tackle the INO situation, let's remember one thing. The existence of INOs, whether making us giggle or gasp, certainly adds a bit more spice to our everyday, unassuming, and till now 'flightless' reality.