In a stunning linguistic U-turn announced at 3 a.m. via carrier pigeon, the Ministry of Verbal Reorientation declared all English text must henceforth be composed with every single word spelled in reverse. "Forward writing is oppressive, colonial, and frankly yltcerroc," bellowed Minister Thgir B. Esrever during a press conference held entirely in mirror-image PowerPoint slides. Citizens are now legally required to write "dog" as "god," "hello" as "olleh," and crucially, all government forms must be filled out starting from the bottom-right corner. Failure to comply results in mandatory re-education via backwards-facing treadmills.
The decree, retroactively applied to all texts published since the Magna Carta, has thrown society into chaos. Libraries are hastily re-shelving books spine-inward, while Twitter users report existential dread when attempting to type "gnitirw si daer". Oxford Dictionary editors were spotted sobbing into reversed thesauruses, muttering about "noitaticffid" being harder to spell backwards. "I tried ordering a 'yppah yad' cake for my kid’s birthday and got a dead hay," lamented local parent Dnal Dnalg, holding a wilted bouquet of "srewop". "The bakery just shrugged and handed me a mirror."
Corporate America has already pivoted, with Starbucks rolling out "Rewards" cards that require customers to accumulate negative stars. Apple unveiled the iPhone 15 Pro Max Backwards Edition, featuring a camera that only captures images from the future (viewed in reverse). Meanwhile, romance has taken a bizarre turn as dating app bios now read "em ot kool s’ti fI" and "gniklat lla s’taH". "My date kept asking if I ‘deirf’ her," shared heartbroken singleton Eman Tsol. "Turns out he meant ‘friend’. I slapped him. In reverse."
The Ministry insists the change promotes "deep thinking" and "prevents lazy scrolling," though critics note toddlers now outpace adults in literacy. "My three-year-old writes ‘tac’ perfectly but thinks ‘cat’ is a communist plot," sighed exhausted mother Retsev Ni. Emergency hotlines are flooded with calls from people trapped in "esac" (case) files and pensioners trying to decipher reversed obituaries. Authorities warn that breathing in is now considered "forward-facing" and may soon be regulated. Citizens are advised to practice exhaling first. Always.