In a move described by officials as "long overdue digital hygiene," the Department of Textile and Thread Accountability (DTTA) announced yesterday that all citizens must now pay a mandatory Thread Tax for every social media thread they fail to engage with. The controversial policy, which went into effect at midnight, requires citizens to submit quarterly payments based on their unread thread count, with penalties escalating for those wearing "threadbare" clothing as deemed by local Thread Count Assessors.
"The average citizen ignores 87 social media threads per hour while simultaneously wearing garments with insufficient thread density," declared DTTA Commissioner Reginald Stitchwell during a press conference held entirely via poorly formatted Twitter thread. "This is a moral failing and a textile crisis. If your trousers have visible skin gaps wider than 0.5mm, you’re already in arrears." Stitchwell demonstrated by holding up a pair of distressed jeans under a microscope, declaring them "a public menace" before ceremonially snipping a frayed hem with golden scissors.
Failure to pay the Thread Tax now triggers immediate intervention by the newly formed Thread Count Police (TCP), who patrol neighborhoods armed with digital thread counters and industrial-strength lint rollers. Early reports describe chaotic scenes where citizens attempting to flee TCP officers found their clothing literally unraveling mid-escape. "My khakis just dissolved into a puddle of beige fuzz when they scanned me," sobbed Barry Jenkins, 42, clutching the remnants of his waistband. "Now I owe 300 thread-credits just for existing near a public sidewalk in 'casual Friday' attire."
The DTTA insists the tax will solve multiple crises simultaneously. Unpaid thread debts can now be settled by donating vintage embroidery thread to government "Thread Banks," while citizens with excessive thread density in their wardrobes (over 200 threads per square inch) receive tax credits redeemable for "digital attention vouchers." Critics argue the system disproportionately targets those who wear cargo shorts or own hoodies older than 2018. "My grandfather’s fishing vest has sentimental value!" protested Marnie Quiltington. "They said its thread count was 'an insult to modern attention spans' and confiscated it for the National Thread Reserve."
Most controversially, the DTTA has partnered with major fashion brands to implement "Thread-Boosting Tailoring Stations" in malls nationwide. For a small fee, citizens can have their garments instantly reinforced with QR-code embroidery that auto-likes relevant social media threads. Early adopters report mixed results: "My new 'Thread-Enhanced' sweater keeps vibrating and liking posts about lint rollers," said Chad Thimbleton. "But at least the TCP hasn’t arrested me since I got the 'Trending Now' appliqué on my elbow."
As threadbare citizens weep into their unraveling chinos, Stitchwell remains unmoved. "This isn’t about revenue," he insisted while adjusting his triple-thread-count silk cravat. "It’s about respect. For threads. For attention spans. For the sacred bond between a citizen and their unread notifications." When asked if the policy might encourage people to simply wear fewer clothes, he paused, then whispered into his lapel mic: "Phase Two involves sock garters."
